At school.
Jenna: The weekly hump day of high school was usually a day without fanfare, and yet, I couldn't shake the gnarly feeling in my gut, and on first intuit, I was convinced Amanda Tankersly was having another seizure.
Students: Fight! Fight! Fight...
Jenna: Or there was a fight.
Students: Fight! Fight! Fight...
Jenna: For two weeks, Tamara had tortured me with her silence. And if she didn't break the silence soon, I was starting to doubt that we'd ever be friends again.
Lissa: Jenna? Jenna? Why would you kiss Jenna Hamilton?
Sadie: There's the bitch! Sic her!
Jake: No. Lis, look, it's not her fault. She didn't do anything wrong.
Lissa: Aah!
Jenna: Watching an emotional train wreck was awesome... Unless you're the one getting hit.
Valerie: Okay, party's over, people! Palos hills has zero tolerance for violence. Zero is a bruise's hero. Blondies, come with me. Not you, Rebecca. God!
Tamara: They're calling it "the slap heard across the quad."
Jenna: It already has a name?
Tamara: Yes. But it totally needs a rewrite. It should have been called "the smack attack."
Jenna: Which it was.
Tamara: No joke. You've gotta tell me, what was numbnuts saying before she knocked you back?
Jenna: I think she was speaking in tongues.
Tamara: She is so jacked up on Jesus!
Jenna: I'm glad we're friends again.
Tamara: We're not.
Jenna: It was a friendship drive-by.
At Valerie's office.
Valerie: This is Lissa's circle of trust, okay? And this...Is you. What we need to do is get you back into Lissa's circle. I will be a neutral listener to help guide you in the right direction. Feel free to open up. I'll be completely objective.
Lissa: I trusted you. You said you would never lie to me, and now you've humiliated me in front of the entire school!
Jake: I didn't lie to you.
Valerie: Oh, liar.
Jake: No, I... I told you the truth it's just... It took me a while to figure out how to tell you.
Valerie: Sometimes men feel like if they tell you about the cheating, it makes it okay. It doesn't. It's selfish. And doing it publicly was really douchey.
Lissa: And now, everyone probably thinks I'm unstable.
Valerie: Honey, that probably has more to do with your twitchy eye than your outburst.
Lissa: Wh... What?
Jake: Lis, I'm...Sorry. And I feel horrible? And I never meant to kiss Jenna. It was an impulsive mistake. And if you want to break up, I mean, I'll totally understand.
Lissa: I don't want to break up. Do you want to break up?
Jake: Well, as long as we're being honest here...
Lissa: Do you?
Jake: No.
Lissa: Oh, good.
Valerie: Owning up to being a manwhore is not an easy task. Now we need to make things right. Lissa, what can Jake do to get back into your circle of trust?
Lissa: He can give me... Everything I want.
Valerie: I am good at being Switzerland.
In the hallway.
Ming: I'm not good at being Switzerland! Chinese people can't digest cheese and chocolate. And the only thing we're neutral about is child labor.
Jenna: I don't want to put you in the middle either, but Tamara only talks to me after I've been physically assaulted.
Ming: Do you want me to hit you?
Jenna: No.
Ming: Can't you guys get over it already? You kissed her crush. She wrote the heinous letter. The way I see it, you're even.
Jenna: I just need you to bring her to the sanctuary.
Ming: How am I supposed to do that?
Jenna: Lie.
Ming: I'll try, but I'm not good at it.
Matty: Hey, home wrecker! Did I cross the line?
Jenna: No. The line is across my cheek. You can probably still see it.
Matty: So were you ever gonna tell me you kissed my best friend?
Jake: I didn't kiss Jake. He practically walked into my face.
Matty: How 'bout I walk into it?
Jenna: I think my face has had more than enough action for one day.
Matty: That's too bad, 'cause I was hoping we could hook up tonight.
Jenna: For the record, hooking up involves my face.
Matty: I meant, do you want to get together?
Jenna: Clothes on or off?
Matty: Optional. But you should probably wear something to start. Kind of hard to take you out to dinner with your boobs hanging low.
Jenna: My boobs don't hang low.
Matty: Oh, I know.
Jenna: Unfortunately, so does everyone else. So, dinner?
Matty: Yeah.
Jenna: Are you asking me out?
Matty: Are you always this difficult?
Jenna: I don't know. Ask Jake.
Matty: Okay, Jenna... Will you go out with me?
Jenna: I thought you'd never ask.
Matty: I'll text you later.
Jenna: I couldn't wait to share the exciting development in my love life... With myself. The fate of my friendship rested in Ming's hands. And needless to say, I was worried.
At the santuary.
Tamara: Where is it? "For a sex touch"? What the hell is a sex touch? Ming, that's your handwriting! Why would you write this? And more importantly, why would you show me?
Ming: I...Uh... Jenna!
Jenna: I asked her to bring you here. I'm sorry I kissed Ricky Schwartz, but it wasn't my fault... I was drugged. And I'm pretty sure he was the one who kissed me first.
Tamara: I'm not ready to forgive you.
Jenna: Why? I always forgive you, and for much worse things.
Tamara: Oh, like what?
Jenna: Like the carefrontation.
Tamara: I didn't write the letter... But I know who did.
At lunch.
Jake: No-carb chocolate, with gummi bears on the side.
Lissa: Are the gummies sugar free?
Jake: Of course. But don't eat too many. The lady behind the counter said they're basically candy laxatives.
Lissa: I know.
Sadie: Those are not carb-free.
Lissa: It's not carb-free?
Jake: You want me to get you another one?
Lissa: No.
Matty: Dude, I think you left your nads back in the car.
Jake: Nope, she's got 'em. It was either drive all the way to yummy yogurt or go to church this weekend.
Matty: Why would you tell her about the kiss?
Jake: I'm not good at keeping secrets.
Matty: But why does everybody have to know everything?
Jake: Because chit gets out, then there's drama.
Matty: Rosati, you sound like a girl.
Jake: She's right. This isn't carb-free.
At the sanctuary.
Jenna: Why did you say you wrote the letter if you didn't?
Tamara: I was hurt. And you know I have a low tolerance for pain. Can you forgive me? Now that we're being honest, I think Matty wrote the letter.
Jenna: Is this another slap, or do you have a point?
Tamara: The facts are on the ground. Did you or did you not receive the letter the last day of summer camp... The day ne voted your hymen off the island? Nnd isn't it a fact that he continues to hump you in hiding?
Jenna: That's not a fact.
Tamara: Well, whatever. He still kissed another girl in front of you.
Jenna: He apologized for that, sort of.
Tamara: I have no further questions. He's Anne Frank-ing you.
Jenna: There's no way.
Ming: You're in too deep. You're blinded my his hair product.
Tamara: As your friend who will never ever lie to you ever again, I' am telling you, it's obvi. He's grooming you in private so he can take you public.
Jenna: Well, he must think I'm ready, because we're going out tonight, in public.
Jenna receives a text.
Jenna: An hour drive didn't seem very public. Maybe he was Anne Frank-ing me.
At Jenna's bedroom.
Jenna: While Tamara madea good case with her Law & Order logic, I just couldn't wrap my mind around Matty writing the letter. He was a remedial speller, and that was proof enough for me to exonerate him.
Tamara and Ming enter in Jenna's room.
Jenna: Look at, I hate to be a buzz kill, but you guys have to bail. Matty is gonna be here any minute.
Tamara: Aha! I knew she taped it back together. Exhibit "a." "Number three. The only people more pathetic than you" are your friends. Drop the dead weight. It's one thing for him to dis you, but how can you let him dis us?
Jenna: Crap. You guys cannot leave this room. You can Nancy drew this another time.
Tamara: If you're so sure he didn't write the letter, why can't we just say hi?
Ming: Yeah. Are you afraid he'll think your friends are pathetic?
Jenna: You are pathetic for trying to ruin my first date.
Tamara: She makes a good point. Fine. But don't come looking for this shoulder to cry on when the truth is revealed!
Ming: Mine will be available.
Jenna: Stay!
In the kitchen.
Lacey: Such a fat little baby. She was even bigger than the ponies at the farm. They wouldn't let her ride them because it wasn't safe for the horses.
Jenna: They were miniature horses. Mom, don't you have somewhere to be?
Lacey: Yes. I'm meeting your father at the annual fundraiser for narcolepsy. Every year, it's the same thing... A whole lot of booze, a whole lot of boring. At least they can sleep through it.
Jenna: Mom, it's a serious disorder.
Lacey: No, it's not. It's a gift. Those people get so sleep through the night without pills. Have a good night.
In Matty's car.
Matty: I'm excited.
Jenna: He was excited... And nervous. That was sweet. He was sweet. Whatever miniscule doubt that was lingering in the far recesses of my brain was now obsolete. We had chemistry, we had excitement, we had... Been in the car for over an hour.
Jenna: Are we lost?
Matty: No, we're just going somewhere special. It is worth the drive.
Jenna: Suddenly, I was thinking of tomorrow... And Anne Frank. And that sign at the Mexican border of people escaping under the dark of night... Was Matty trying to hide me? And if not, where the hell was he taking me? Reseda? Where the eff was Reseda?
Matty's phone rings.
Matty: Hey.
Sadie: Matty, am I crazy, or is Jake pretty tightnwith Samantha Olson?
Matty: Yeah.
Sadie: Mm-hmm. Matty says they talknall the time. I don't care how manynfro-yos he buys you,nJake can't be trusted. Look at all the girlsnhe's friends with.
Lissa: He's class president, and I have faith in him. I know he's learned his lesson.
Sadie: Really? Then why didn't he de-friend the crazy bitch?
Lissa: I never asked him to defriend her. God would want me to overlook this.
Sadie: That's interesting.
Lissa: What is?
Sadie: You and God. Isn't he supposed to be all-knowing and kind?
Lissa: He is.
Sadie: Then why would he let Jenna kiss your boyfriend? You should stop listening to him and listen to me. Remember, God sold out his only son to die on a stick.
Lissa: Okay... What would you do?
Sadie: They only way you can be with Jake is if you have insurance. Write this down. Number one, he needs to de-friend her, like, yesterday. Number two, you need all of his passwords. Email, phone, et cetera. We need to be able to creep on him at all times. Number three, he can never speak to her again. On second thought, let's write down what Jake needs to say to Jenna.
Lissa: I know the opening. "Jenna, you're a skitch." A skanky bitch.
Sadie: Don't pretend like you coined it. I did. But I think we need to build to that.
Into the restaurant.
Jenna: Special? The restaurant was a hole in the wall.
Matty: Isn't it nice?
Jenna: Yeah. Nice...And secluded. Guess we won't run into anyone here.
The waitress: Hey, doll.
Matty: Hey.
The waitress: Good to see you again.
Matty: You too.
Jenna: It hit me. This was where he took all his reject dates. The ones he couldn't take out in public. The girl with the lazy eye, the girl with chest hair, and the girl who tried to kill herself.
Jenna: But we didn't order.
Matty: When I made the reservation, I ordered in advance. Here, try this.
Jenna: I was being force-fed and hidden in Reseda. I felt cheap, like the lattice he was hiding me behind. Tamara was right. I was too blind to see it before, but under the glow of tacky twinkle lights, I was seeing clearly.
Matty: Are you okay? You seem upset.
Jenna: It's kind of obvious, don't you think? The long drive out here, the secret little corner table1.
Uncle Pat: Matty, my boy!
Matty: Hey!
Uncle Pat: He told me he was bringing someone special.
Matty: Jenna.
Uncle Pat: Jenna, Matty has never brought a girl here before. And in honor of this occasion... Don't tell your mom.
Matty: Right. Thanks, Uncle Pat. Huh...Sorry about all the attention. I've never done this whole date thing before... And I just wanted to make it memorable. I know I'm rambling.
Jenna: Hey... It's perfect.
Matty: What do you say we eat fast and get out of here?
Matty and Jenna are kissing. They enter into Jenna's house.
Tamara & Ming: Hi!
Jenna: Didn't I tell you guys to leave?
Tamara: Actually, you just saidn to wait in your room, so we did.
Ming: We were just in the middle of a game.
Tamara: You guys should join us. Matty?
Jenna: We don't really want to play a game.
Ming: It won't take long.
Tamara: That is unless you think games are pathetic.
Matty: Oh, I'm in. What are we playing?
Tamara: The game's called "what's your dirty secret?"
They are sitting in the living room.
Tamara: Okay, everyone write down their dirty secret on the piece of paper, then we'll put them in the bowl and try to figure out who wrote each one. Got it? Good.
Matty: I'm not totally following.
Tamara: It's pretty basic. You write down something you haven't told anyone. Like, say, if you, I don't know, wrote a mean, anonymous letter about a girl you liked. Something like that.
Matty: Wait...
Ming: No, too late. Okay...
Tamara: First one. "My friends embarrass me." Good one, Hamilton. We love you too.
Jenna: "My parents think I'm gay."
Matty: Oh, definitely not me.
Ming: It's the hair and my extensive sneaker collection.
Matty: Mine's gonna be really lame.
Tamara: We'll be the judge of that.
Jenna: Game over.
Tamara: Oh... "I felt up my grandparents' special-ed neighbor when I was 11."
Matty: She grabbed my hand and put it on my boob... She put my hand on her boob.
Tamara: And on that note, it's time for "ho & tell." Now, where does special-ed fit on the time line?
Jenna: Put that away now.
Matty: No, wait, wait, wait. I want to check this out. I had sex with Mrs. Lundgaard in the fifth grade? Well, I mean, sure, she's hot. But I mean, I was ten, and having sex was technically impossible. Oh, Marie Mcgintee. All right! Guess I'm a rock star.
Ming: Can I ask you something personal?
Matty: At this point, do you really need to ask?
Ming: How do you get your hair to do that?
Outside Jenna's home.
Jake: Enough with the games.
Sadie: I'm sensing a little frustration, Rosati.
Jake: Really?
Sadie: You might want to watch the 'tude. You're still on thin ice.
Jake: Lis, you've been fed, manicured, chauffeured around all day. Can we please just be done?
Sadie: Don't respond. You're fragile. We'll let you know when you've atoned after you've atoned.
Lissa: Babe, it's almost over. This is the last stop.
Jake: Why are we at Jenna Hamilton's house?
Lissa: Didn't you say you'd do anything for me?
Jake: Yeah.
Sadie: Take this letter, knock on Jenna's door, and read it to her.
Lissa: You want me to trust you? Then you have to trust me.
In Jenna's bedroom.
Ming: What kind of product do you use?
Matty: No, no, no, it is less about the product, and more about the flip.
Tamara: So I need some guy advice.
Matty: Hit me.
Tamara: There's this guy I like, and he kissed another girl in front of me. She's a really good friend of mine,nso I totally forgave her because it wasn't her fault, because she was basically roofied. But do you think he was doing it to make me jealous?
Matty: Don't waste your time? The guy sounds like a douche. If he really liked you, then he wouldn't kiss another girl in front of you.
Jenna: Did Matty completely forget that he kissed another girl in front of me? Or was he trying to tell me something?
Tamara: So should I give him a second chance? I mean, we never DTR.
Ming: "Define the relationship."
Matty: Ah. Didn't he sort of define it when he kissed that other girl?
Tamara: Hmm. I never thought about itblike that.
Jenna: My friends have clearlybfallen under Matty's spell.
Tamara: So how do I get a hotter guy?
Jenna: As I watched them Fawn over him,nI started to wonder if I wasnas easy to fool as they were.
Matty: You've gotta move on so you can be open to a more quality guy.
Jenna: Was his advice the advice I should be taking myself?
Jake rings the door bell.
Tamara: I have to take a picture of your matching hair. I am so posting this.
Matty: Wait. Wait a sec. Wait.
Tamara: What? You embarrassed to be seen with Ming?
Matty: No, dork. Get in here.
At Jenna's door.
Jake: "You're a skitch and a slut"?
Jenna: What are you doing here?
Jake: I, uh... I wanted to apologize... In person... For telling Lissa about the kiss. I never meant for it to go down that way. I still can't believe she slapped you... I think you're a really good person, Jenna, and you've been through enough. I didn't mean to drag you into me. I'm sorry.
Jenna: Thanks. I really appreciate that, Jake. And the slap wasn't that bad.
Jake: I should go. Sorry to bother you.
Jenna: Bye.
In Jenna's house.
Matty: Hey, who was that?
Jenna: Just someone, a friend... Thing. What have they done to you?
Matty: My pores are clogged. You shouldn't leave me alone with your friends they're falling in love with me.
In the street.
Lissa: What did she say? Was she crying?
Sadie: I bet the freak is sharpening her razor blades right now.
Jake: I can't believe you wrote this.
Lissa: But now, I know that I can trust you. And everything will be better from here and now.
Jake: You're right, it will be. 'Cause we're done.
Lissa: Now we can get pizza. I was thinking Mama Joe's. Or maybe...
Jake: I don't think you understand. We are done. I want nothing to do with you or Sadie, you two are evil.
Lissa: Babe, you're overreacting.
Jake: Get out of the car.
Sadie: No.
Jake: Fine, then I'll leave.
Lissa: We have to do something. It's okay, I totally forgive you for the outburst.
Jake: Have a nice walk home.
Sadie: This is not a guard gated community, we're not safe!
In Jenna's bedroom.
Matty : Oh ! I see, here it is. You use me for my hair tips and then you leave.
Tamara: We could fire up another game of dirty little secret.
Matty: No, that's okay.
Tamara: I don't think he wrote the letter.
Matty: I'll be right back.
Jenna: The Matty investigation was inconclusive. But if I was a judge... I'd throw his case out of court.
They kiss.
