At Jenna’s bedroom.
Jenna: There were a million reasons why I didn't want to get out of bed. But apparently, the universe wasn't gonna let me sleep after throwing a hard school kegger, I had over three hundred friends. But I wasn't eluded by my surging popularity. I knew the difference between real friends and virtual ones. My real friends weren't talking to me. Although, to be fair, Ming couldn't, literally. While Ming was suffering from the kissing disease, I was sick over kissed. A drunken lips slip that had cost me Tamara's friendship after alienating Matty and possibly Jake, my friend-scape was pretty barren. But making new friends wasn't going to be a problem, I had the interweb.
A boy: Hey.
Jenna: Hey! What's going on?
A boy: I just got canned from my job. Cause I screwed up this order but it wasn't my fault. I was still drunk from the night before, 'cause my ex just got married to my best friend. Anyway, I've been spending a lot of time on the computer lately. Want to see my penis?
Jenna: If my life had an escape button, I would've checked out for the day. There was only one small problem.
Lacey: Make a wish!
Jenna: It was my goddamn birthday.
Jenna blows the candle.
In Hamilton family’s car.
Kevin: Man, I remember when I was 16.
Jenna: And you knocked up mom? You're not about to tell me it happened in a car, are you?
Kevin: Not this car.
Jenna: Please tell me you're joking.
Kevin: I am.
Jenna: My lucky socks. I thought maybe you'd be too old for them.
Jenna: Hell no. I really need them.
Kevin: Okay, remember to check your mirrors and don't let anything distract you. Especially cyclists. Spandex bastards think they own the road.
Jenna: The upside of being depressed? I was completely calm. Nothing was going to distract me.
The examiner: Okay, go ahead, Ms. Hamilton. Check your left mirror. And your rearview mirror. And don't forget, check the right mirror.
Jenna: No, I got it. Got it. I just-- Oh!
Jenna crashes the car. Later, Kevin drives Jenna to the high school.
Kevin: Don't worry. It took your mom a couple of times to pass, too.
Jenna: It wasn't my fault. The dude had hook hands.
Kevin: So you didn't get your license. What else do you want for your birthday?
Jenna: I want to spend the day with you.
Kevin: You don't want to go to school.
Jenna: And there's that.
Kevin: I'd love to, but I have meetings all day.
Jenna: All right.
Kevin: Happy Birthday!
Jenna gets out from the car.
Jenna: There was nothing happy about it. It was just another crap day in 2000-suck.
Kevin: And good luck with Tamara!
Near the locker.
Tamara: Do you think polyester see-through? I'm seriously considering going sans bra for the big game tonight.
A girl: Trying to make the Schwartzman jealous?
Tamara: Negs on that! The only reason I went tits-out at practice yesterday is because my bra malfunctioned. I felt so free, and my flute playing was pfm.
A girl: It was pure, freaking magic. You should lose the grundies all together. Jonah s. Is a freeballer, and his protein boost totally has a cinnamon thing going on. Though it could be 'cause he's on tenor sax, all that brass so close to his junk. It's Jenna's birthday, eh? Get her anything, or is she still sequestered to the kiss and cry zone?
Tamara: What do you think?
Jenna: After avoiding me for days, Tamara looked right at me. Like, she was totally open to my facemail. My dad was right. She was throwing me a birthday bone.
Tamara: Happy Birthday.
Jenna: Once more with feeling.
Jenna: Well, at least I had some friends. Beggars couldn't be choosers.
Jenna: Thanks, Kyle.
Kyle: I didn't do that.
Sadie: Ugh. Crap, now I'm out a hundred bucks. There was a dead pool on you and I bet you wouldn't make it to 16.
Jenna: There had to be some way to get off the demon hell ride.
At Valerie’s office.
Jenna: The nurse isn't in and I'm not feeling so hot, so can you write me a note to go home?
Valerie: You don't have a fever, so either you have internal injuries or you're trying to pull one over on me 'cause it's your birthday! I'm on to you, J. Now, I'm not allowed to give gifts, but you and I have surpassed the whole teacher-student thing. Go ahead.
Jenna: Thanks.
Valerie: Oh, what's happenin', hot stuff?
Jenna: I'm sorry, what?
Valerie: Oh, I'm not being pervy, I was quoting long duk dong from Sixteen Candles. It's about this girl on her 16th birthday but everyone forgets about it. It was fabulous. You know what? Let's talk about you. Any plans?
Jenna: None except for to go home after you write me that note.
Valerie: Why don't you stick around here so you can celebrate with your amigos?
Jenna: That'd be great but my amigos aren't talking to me.
Valerie: So what I'm hearing is that you want to celebrate, but you don't have anyone to celebrate with.
Jenna: What I'm saying is I really don't want to be here, so the best gift you could give me is a note home.
Valerie: "I can't believe this! They forgot my fucking birthday!" I was quoting Molly Ringwald. She gave up. Don't you give up. That was me quoting myself.
Valerie’s telephone ring.
Jenna is at the cafeteria
Jenna: I used to feel bad for David shapiro. Eating by himself every day. Until I found out he wasn't really eating alone. He had imaginary friends, which theoretically was like, six to ten more that I had.
Ricky: Hello, ladies.
Tamara: Look at Ricky Schwartz walking around like he's the bomb dot-com. I mean, sure he's totally h-2-t gorge', but my dead grandma can play clarinet better than him.
Ricky: You guys are like Charlie's angels.
A girl: He claims his playing suffers because he gets like, 27 hardies a day. But I'm always on zipper patrol. And if that's true, there's definitely some "little penis, big world" action going on down there.
Tamara: I can't believe I wasted a year of my life crushing out on that jerk when I could've been fantasizing about Jake Gyllenhall. Circa 2008.
Ricky sends a text to Tamara.
A girl: What, so, you forgive him, but you won't forgive Jenna?
Tamara: Ricky and I were never exclusive. Jenna and I were friends for seven years. I showed her how to use a tampon.
A girl: Oh... You're blood sisters.
Jake: Hey, loser. What are you doing sitting here by yourself?
Jenna: Being a loser.
Jake: You going to the game later?
Jenna: What game?
Jake: The regional playoffs? It's the biggest game of the season.
Jenna: Oh, I'm not much of a football person. It is football, right?
Jake: Yeah. Why don't you come sit with us?
Jenna: I had been so destroyed over the Tamara sitch, I didn't dare let myself think about my problems with Matty. But seeing him in the flesh made me realize I needed to set my pain bar a little higher.
Jenna: I'm trying to keep a low-pro today.
Jake: Yeah.
Valerie: Jenna Hamilton, where are you? Where's the birthday girl? I know you're here.
Jenna: I didn't give a fuck If I set off the alarm. It was a real emergency.
Sadie: Where do you think you're going? Jenna Hamilton is right here. Jenna Hamilton is right here.
Valerie: Happy Birthday, Jenna.
Jenna: Up until that moment, the rumours of my death wish had been greatly exaggerated.
Valerie offers a cake to Jenna.
Valerie: Happy Birthday, girlfriend. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Check it out, check it out. Little birdie told me you're the birthday girl but don't eat too much cake that you wanna hurl you say you don't wanna play the game just drop it down, sister, and blow out the flame 'fore you make a wish, no, I ain't no magic fairy I hope you like your cake 'cause it's filled with strawberry, yo. I just want to take this moment to say...
Jenna: You're still on mic,
Valerie: Jenna Hamilton, I am so glad you're here.
Jenna: That made one of us. All I wanted was to spontaneously combust. And I had hoped being near an open flame would help speed up the process.
Valerie: Oh, I forgot the plates. I'm going to hold on to this.
Jenna: Well, uh, I gotta go, but you guys can help yourselves.
Jenna: I wanted to leave, but I couldn't. I had just received another gift... Of the monthly variety. And since Tamara was the keeper of the backup pants, there was no way I was getting my hands on them.
In the hallway.
Jenna: Well, how long is a little while?
Lacey: Honey, don't force me to put a time limit on this. I'm having the carpets cleaned. It-it'll be done when it's done.
Jenna: Okay, well, come pick me up, and I'll hang out on the non-carpeted areas.
Lacey: You can't. It's too...Fumey. I just don't want you breathing in all of these toxins. It will stunt your growth.
Jenna: Mom, I'm 16. I think I'm kinda done growing.
Lacey: Well, that is not necessarily true. My feet grew 2 sizes after I turned 20. As did my boobs.
Jenna: Yeah, but you paid for that.
Lacey: Find something to occupy yourself. I'll be there in a little while.
A the match.
Jenna: My knowledge of football: Zero-point-zilch. But there was something comforting about disappearing into a sea of people.
Valerie: Hello, Jenna! Come sit by me.
Jake: Jenna, over here!
Jenna: Um, ah, I'm-I'm with a friend.
Valerie: Oh. It's cool. Yeah!
Jake: Hey, I thought you hated football.
Jenna: I do, but I didn't wanna waste this awesome outfit.
Jake: That it is. Nice socks.
Jenna: I had to admit, it was nice having someone to talk to... Who would actually talk to me back.
Tamara: That's weird. Jenna hates football. Ricky Schwartz is a total prick.
A girl: He just gave me douche chills.
Tamara: I have been under his spell for far too long. I have to escape from Schwartz Mountain.
A girl: What are you doing? Post-game, the sanctuary is a sex palace.
Tamara: There comes a time in every game where you have to call the fake kneel-down.
Jenna: Why doesn't the kicker just turn around and kick it to our team?
Jake: We could do an on-side kick, but the ball has to travel forward ten yards before we can recover it. Otherwise, it's a penalty for illegal touching.
Jenna: Oh. Bored.
Jake: Hey, we're over here!
Jenna: Even though I had apologized, Matty was still treating me like an a-hole, and I definitely looked the part.
Jake: Oh, you missed half the game.
Jenna: Hi.
Matty: Hey.
Sadie: California grapefruit, Texas cactus we play your team just for practice.
Matty: Go Sadie!
Sadie: Somebody let Hamilton out of her cage. This is a bad omen. We are totally going to lose this game.
Jake: Oh, nice! Dunphy's seriously one of the best quarterbacks we've had. I mean, he's not as accurate as Jamie. That's what made your bro all-state, but... He's got a strong arm.
Matty: Yup.
Jake: How is Jamie? Still kicking your ass?
Matty: Yeah. And he's not the only one.
Jenna: No wonder Matty was treating me like a leper. Apparently, I'd really hit a nerve when I gave him a hard time at my party. Maybe I deserved to spend my birthday alone.
Jenna: I have to go.
Sadie: Jenna! Wait, Jenna! Jenna, I wanted to apologize for calling you out in the caf. Honestly, I-I didn't think you'd want to miss your cake. Listen, you transparent social climber. Just because you can't make your own friends doesn't mean you can snake mine. The only reason Matty and Jake can stand being around you is because they feel sorry for you. I mean...Look at you. You're like something a desperate celebrity would adopt from a third world country. Happy Birthday. Cheers! Sorry.
Jenna: Having been emotionally raped by the day, I was numb to Sadie's harsh words. Or maybe it was the crushed ice melting in my bra.
Jenna: It's her birthday. You're welcome.
Outside the stage, Jenna calls her mother.
Jenna: Hey mom, it's me. Okay, call me when you get this or just come pick me up. In case you're wondering, I am calling from hell.
Jake: Hey, nice moves, Hamilton. Where's your boyfriend?
Jenna: He's picking me up in his chariot. You, uh--you need a ride o the after party?
Sadie: It's a private party.
Jenna: I'm cool.
Jake: Matty's not going either, so he could give you a ride.
Jenna: That's okay. My mom should be here any minute.
Jake: Nah, Mckibben, take the girl home.
Sadie: Butt out, Rosati. She said she wants to wait for her mommy. Did you fail your driver's test?
Matty: I'll give you a ride.
Jenna leaves with Matty.
In Matty’s car.
Jenna: So just stay straight up here.
Matty: Yeah, I got it.
Jenna: And then just take a--
Matty: I know where you live.
Jenna: So... I'm sorry about what I said to you at my party. I didn't mean it, okay? I don't think you're too good for me.
Matty: It's okay. You were right... I mean, I don't think I'm too good for you, but I do care too much about what other people think.
Jenna: Everybody does.
Matty: That's the thing, Jenna. You don't. That's why it bummed me out because... You said it. It kills me that you think of me that way.
Jenna: I don't. I know you're a good person.
Matty: Can I ask you something?
Jenna: Yeah.
Matty: What's up with those socks?
Jenna: Clown college.
Matty: Uh-huh.
Jenna: I go at night.
Matty: Seriously?
Jenna: I put them on this morning for good luck, and now I am convinced they're cursed.
Matty: Then hand them over. Come on. It's about time. No more bad luck.
Jenna: So you and me, we're cool?
Matty: Yeah, we're good.
Jenna: Friends?
Matty: Totally.
Jenna: My first birthday wish had come back to bite me in the ass. When I asked for my friends back, I should have specified I wanted Matty back as the boyfriend variety.
Jenna: Thanks for the ride.
Matty: No problem. Okay.
At the Hamilton’s house.
Lacey: Keep your eyes closed. Sorry for leaving you stranded, but you will forgive me when you see what your birthday gift is. Happy Birthday! Isn't it perfect?
Jenna: Yup.
Jenna: Perfect... For entertaining clients as a highly paid escort.
Lacey: Okay, check this out. Sunny. Sultry.
Jenna: Oh.
Lacey: Sordid.
Jenna: Ah.
Lacey: Cool, huh? I thought it was about time that you had a grown-up bedroom. Oh, and there's one more special feature. Oh. Come on. Now, lie back. Wanna know the best thing about having a mirror on your ceiling?
Jenna: I can't imagine.
Lacey: You can do your makeup in bed. Oh. When I was 16, I would have killed for a bedroom like this.
Jenna: Thanks, mom.
Lacey: Oh. Is that what you wore on your special day?
Jenna: There it was. My mom's birthday insult. My day was complete.
Jenna: Where's my stuff?
Lacey: I put it in that box. Now, I am gonna to leave you two alone to get to know each other. Happy Birthday!
Jenna: 16 years on the planet, and all I had to show for it was one box. It was time for a virtual escape.
Jenna: Straight up pg. Scandalous.
At the sanctuary.
Ricky: Hey, sexy. What's the problem?
Tamara: You are my problem. I've been raging against my best friend, and letting you off the hook when you're just as guilty. So, stop flirting with me, stop texting me, don't ever look at me again unless you're waiting for a flute cue from Mr. Roboto. I don't want your skinny ass in my life anymore, Ricky Schwartz! This flirtationship is over. Game over.
Ricky: You're so hot right now.
Tamara and Ricky kiss.
At Jenna’s bedroom.
Jenna: Awesome.
Jenna: It took her awhile, but Molly Ringwald figured it out. Lesson learned. You shouldn't be afraid to be who you are because even hot guys will like you if you like yourself. Clearly, I had been going about things all wrong. How was I supposed to be accepted by everybody else when I hadn't even accepted myself? "Jenna, as you are now, you could disappear, and no one would notice." Truth was sometimes I wanted to disappear. But I wasn't going to. I thought 16 was setting itself up to be the worst year of my life. But I was born on 7:32 P.M., which meant I was still 15.
Matty knocks on the door. Jenna opens.
Matty: I forgot something. Happy Birthday. What happened to your room?
Jenna: My mother. It gets better.
Matty: Your mom did this?
Jenna: Don't ask me to explain because I can't.
Matty: I lied to you in the car. I don't want to be friends. I want to be more.
They kiss.
Jenna: As far as I was concerned, 15 could suck it. Because 16...Well, it was starting off pretty damn good.
