At school.
Jenna: It was homecoming week. And, like an uncomfortably misguided tampon, it was impossible to ignore. Especially the day of the bonfire, when the entire student body was running around like they were high off huffed paint... And every inch of the school was covered in signs. Though, to be fair, some inches needed more coverage than others. Me, I was just desperate for a sign that Matty was still into me.
Soccer team: All: Hoo! Hoo! Titans! Go, Titans! Oh, yeah!
Ming: Oh, my God, they have boners! Do all boners look like weapons?
Tamara: Have you never seen a marshmallow shooter?
Ming: Like you guys have.
Tamara: Um, yeah, I'm in the band. And Jenna saw peen when mckibbers gave her the hymen hammer.
Ming: You had sex with Matty? Why did you tell Tamara and not me?
Jenna: I was gonna tell you, but...
Tamara: Matty's still kissing other girls. He hooked up with Michelle in Lissa's hot tub.
Ming: What?
Jenna: Look! Betsy Motamedi has pink eye. Ow.
Ming: So...You're in an open relationship?
Tamara: Well, technically, it's not anything. They haven't D.T.R.
Jenna: True, we hadn't "defined the relationship." But I wasn't sure there was a relationship to define. And I didn't want to discuss it with Ming, who was getting all judge Judy on me.
Ming: J, I've known you since third grade, and there's no way you're cool doing it with a guy who's kissing other girls.
Jenna: I already decided that I'm not gonna hook up with Matty again until we D.T.R.
Jenna: Confession: I was terrified to D.T.R. I just needed a sign that I should have the convo.
Matty: Yeah!
Jenna: Any sign... To fall into my lap.
Matty falls on Jenna’s legs.
Tamara and Jenna are walking in the hallway.
Jenna: Thanks for the info vomit at lunch.
Tamara: You know I don't have a filter.
Jenna: Do you think I should talk to Matty about our status?
Tamara: Mm, no.
Jenna: Did you see that? She has pink eye too.
Tamara: J, you need to hold off on the Matty chitchat and wait for him to do it. The last thing you wanna do is get all status clingy. I mean, you could have hooked up with someone too. Like Chris Jones. He was at Lissa's.
Jenna: What is up with all the conjuncta-funk? Is there an epidemic?
In the toilets.
Michelle: My eye is itching like crazy.
Karli: Ew, don't touch it. That fuck spreads.
Michelle: Like that rumour that we got it from an orgy at Lissa's. And I really don’t appreciate people thinking I’m easy.
Karli: Well, you are.
Michelle: I know.
Jenna: Was there an orgy at Lissa's?
Tamara: Evidently. And get this. I was part of it! I mean, I wasn't really part of it, but everyone will think I was. Oh, my God, this is so much better than a red cup photo. Now, I have red cup on my face.
Jenna: Okay, so there was an orgy at Lissa's.
Tamara: Well, it was just a make-out orgy. For, like, ten minutes. In the hot tub.
Jenna: Did Matty kiss anyone, besides Michelle?
Tamara: I wasn't tracking his activity. Although, he wasn't in the hot tub when the action went down.
Jenna: So he could have been hooking up with someone in the house?
Tamara: It's possible. No filter, remember?
In the hallway. Tamara crashes into Sadie.
Sadie: Watch where you're going, poser. Sideshow.
Tamara: "Poser"? She wasn't even in the hot tub. I'm calling shenanigans on that eye. I guarantee she used lip liner and strategically placed blush. I need a better look.
Jenna: I had asked the universe for a sign that I should talk to Matty, and so far, I had six. Make that seven. The D.T.R had to happen A.S.A.P., and, O.M.G., I really needed to stop using initials.
At Jenna’s locker.
Matty: Hey.
Jenna: I couldn't see Matty's right eye.
Matty: I didn't hurt you at lunch, did I?
Jenna: No, but I bet that fall hurt you. Or at least your precious cargo.
Matty: Yeah...Yeah. So am I gonna see you at the bonfire tonight?
Jenna: The bigger question, was he gonna be able to see me?
Jenna: I think so.
Matty: Hey, so Alyssa's kickback... I'm sorry if I was weird or whatever. I was pretty faded. I just didn't really know what I was saying. Or doing. I'm not making any sense, am I?
Jenna: Matty was apologizing for kissing a skank. Or maybe I was the skank.
Jenna: So, listen, um... There's been something I wanted to talk to you about.
Matty: Shoot, I gotta go. Talk later? Okay.
Jenna: New deal: If Matty didn't have the pink, it would clear the stink. If he did, I'd have to have the talk. And that was gonna be...
At Valerie’s office.
Valerie: Awkward! Oh, darn. So, uh, you going to the bonfire?
Teacher: Oh, if you're gonna be there.
Valerie: Well, it's required.
Jenna: Ahem, ahem.
Teacher: Um, I'll see you later, Val.
Valerie: Yes, you will.
Teacher: Hey, Jenna.
Jenna: So I'm trying to figure something out with a guy.
Valerie: Me too.
Jenna: And it concerns other girls.
Valerie: Oh, is he married?
Jenna: No, he's in high school. I'm trying to figure out when to D.T.R.
Valerie: Have you ever D.T.R. before?
Jenna: No, and I'm not even sure I know how to do it. It's--I had a chance earlier today. It was on the tip of my tongue.
Valerie: Wait a minute, "it" was on the tip of your tongue? Earlier today? Where were you?
Jenna: By my locker.
Valerie: So you're one of those girls.
Jenna: Any...way, I was... I was trying to get it out of my mouth, and I just couldn't spit it out.
Valerie: So you swallowed?
Jenna: Yeah, I guess. I held it in.
Valerie: Sometimes we feel a pressure to hold it in. But you need to do whatever's comfortable for you. And if he's worth it, he will not judge you for spitting it out.
Jenna: Really? I just-- I don't wanna scare him off.
Valerie: Scare him off? I hate the double standard. It's like we're supposed to swallow everything, but when they get down to business with us, they can just spit freely.
Jenna: I'm not...Sure we're talking about the same thing here.
Valerie: What are you talking about?
Jenna: D.T.R. "Define the relationship."
Valerie: Oh.
Jenna: So what should I do? My gut says just spit it out.
Valerie: Oh, no. N-n-n-n-no. Suppress your reflex. Definitely swallow.
In the hallway.
Ming: Did you talk to Matty?
Jenna: We spoke, but, you know, it's pretty clear things are good. We didn't have to get specific.
Ming: Clear without being specific? What does that even mean?
Jenna: It's like, you know, actions speak louder than words. We're gonna hang out at the bonfire tonight.
Ming: Remember, you promised not to hook up again without clarity, so you better get it soon, before you're dumpster humping without a safety net.
Jenna: What?
Jenna: The bonfire is a scam fest. After the fire dies down, everything else heats up. And thanks for keeping me in the loop. Not.
Jenna: Ming, I'm sorry. I just--
Michelle: Mckibben, of course. I'm gonna ask him for a ride to the bonfire, and then I'm gonna give him a ride.
Jenna: I had to get to Matty before Michelle. Whether I liked it or not, it was time to D.T.R.
Jenna: Move it!
Jenna: My legs were moving pretty fast. And it seemed like they knew where they were going before I did.
Jake: Jenna! Can you believe how many people got the Scarlet eye from Lissa's party? We dodged a bullet.
Jenna: Yes, big...Pink bullet.
Jenna: Um, hey, thanks again for ditching out of the party with me. It was the best part of the night.
Jenna: Yeah, it was. Love to talk, but I gotta finish speed walking for, uh, gym.
Jenna: As I felt the crazy creeping in, I blamed conjunctivitis. And me. And three godforsaken letters: D.T.R.
Jenna’s house.
Lacey: Remember our sophomore bonfire? Ohh, I was wearing that green suede skirt.
Kevin: I think I have better recall for what you weren't wearing.
Jenna: Oh, I'm-- I'm the room.
Lacey: Remember how I stole you away from Mandy... What's her name?
Kevin: Piekarski.
Lacey: Yes.
Kevin: Who you told I was gay.
Lacey: Which, clearly, you aren't.
Jenna: Are you really having this conversation right now in front of me?
Kevin: I would have preferred a different tactic.
Lacey: Well, I had to fight dirty, babe. She was a nasty ho-bag.
Kevin: And never stood a chance. You were the sexiest girl that I'd ever seen.
Lacey: It was a damn good bra.
Jenna: My mother's risk bore a reward. And maybe mine would too.
Jenna: So the bonfire was where you guys hooked up for the first time?
Lacey: Yep! And then, a year later, it's where you were conceived.
Kevin: I blame the bra.
Lacey: Let's go!
Kevin: Let's do it.
Jenna: Aside from the teen mom sitch, the bonfire was a lucky omen in my family. It was where I was meant to cement my relationship with Matty. And the place to double bag it.
Hamilton’s car.
Jenna: Wait, where do you think you're going?
Lacey: With you.
Jenna: No, not happening.
Kevin: Parents will be there.
Jenna: Not mine. Call you later.
Lacey: I am not wasting this good hair! Where could we go?
Kevin: We could go to dinner, go to a movie, uh...
Lacey: We could take a nap.
Kevin: Okay.
Lacey: No! We are not old!
Kevin: We--we have a teenager.
Lacey: That does not make us old! People mistake me for Jenna's sister every day.
Kevin: What do you wanna do?
Lacey: There's something that we could do right here. Something we haven't done in a long... Long...
At bonfire
Jake: Time! Is! Now!
Tamara: There you are. Have you seen Ricky? I've got our spot all picked out behind the dumpster.
Jenna: T, you can't hook up with that eye. It's contagious.
Tamara: Everyone who's not anyone is dying to make out with me for exactly that reason. They all want the pink.
Ming: What'd I miss?
Tamara: I can't believe you snuck out!
Ming: I didn't have to. I lied. I told my parents I was going to study. And they believed me!
Tamara: That bitch! I really want to celebrate your release from jail, but I am on the hunt for red October.
Jenna: Matty was present and accounted for. It was the moment to advance.
Ming: You're not ditching me.
Jenna: Course not.
Ming: I'm not getting left out again. Too much monumental stuff keeps happening, and the next time it does, I'm gonna be on you like white on rice.
Jenna: Was the universe throwing obstacles in my way to keep me from making a mistake? Or was I just screwed?
Hamilton’s car.
Kevin: This was a bad idea. Who's driving Jenna home? Who's driving us home? We're terrible parents.
Lacey: You look really old right now.
Kevin: Do you think Jenna's gonna know?
Lacey: That we're old?
Kevin: That we're high.
Lacey: Just act normal.
At bonfire.
Jake: Are we gonna take the tigers down on Friday night? Huh? Yeah! All right!
Valerie: So is there a little lady at home with a dot on her forehead?
Teacher: Oh, no, that's a hindu symbol. I'm not a hind... And I'm not married.
Valerie: Ah. Wait, why not?
Teacher: I don't know. I guess my parents haven't arranged it yet. That was...
Valerie: Ah!
Teacher: Oh...
Tamara: Hey, poser.
Sadie: Ex-scuse me?
Tamara: You heard me. Why is your eye suddenly three shades darker than it was earlier? I know-- 'cause you're the one faking an std, not me.
Karli: Pink eye is not an STD.
Tamara: Yes, it is. It's a Fucking-Transmitted disease, which we got from poop in Lissa's hot tub, not some hooched-up orgy.
Sadie: Oh, my God. She's actually proud of her pink eye. You are such a dork.
Ming: Are you going to talk to him?
Jenna: When I get the chance.
Ming: Sounds like you're making excuses.
Jenna: Okay, why are you being so hard on me?
Ming: Because you told Tamara about Matty, and not me. I thought we told each other everything. But lately, I feel like I've been downgraded to third wheel status.
Jenna: Apparently my convo with Matty wasn't the only talk that I needed to have. I needed to D.T.R. with Ming.
Jenna: I'm sorry I hurt you.
Ming: Fuck me. My mom's here.
Ming’s mother: Ming Ming! I know you lie! I put GPS in your phone! You in big, big trouble!
Ming: I hope you'll finally appreciate me when I'm on a slow boat to China.
Jenna: I didn't force you to come tonight.
Ming: I know, you didn't... Even invite me. The white devil made me do it!
Ming’s mother: Move!
Jake: Douche bag alert!
Jenna: It was exactly what I was thinking when I saw Michelle bitch block me. But it was another douche bag of the tiger variety. Our school rivals were on a mission to drown our spirit.
Some girl: Watch out!
Jake: Get out!
Teacher: Mr. Rosati... You are in trouble.
Jake: What--trouble? I should get a reward. I just saved the bonfire, man.
Teacher: Yeah, I'm not sure saving the bonfire includes soaking Mrs. Beukema. Come on.
Tamara: Sadie! Who's the poser now?
Behind the bin.
Matty: Did you get wet?
Jenna: It was a loaded question. Wait, not here I can't see your, um... Lips.
Jenna: Matty didn't have the pink. But that wasn't gonna stop me from D.T.R.ing. And he was giving me the sign that he was nervous... Which meant he was vulnerable, which meant the iron was hot, and it was time to strike.
Jenna: I need to ask you something.
Matty: Mm-hmm?
Jenna: I, um... I kind of made a promise to myself that I'd, uh...
Matty: That you'd what?
Jenna: I'd go easy on you this time.
Jenna: So I broke my promise. Sue me. Some promises were made to be broken.
Matty: You're a really good kisser.
Jenna: So I've been told. I'm--I'm kidding. No one's ever said that before. That was just something to say.
Matty: And you're--you're funny.
Jenna: Looking.
Matty: Nah, you're beautiful.
Jenna: In the dark, behind a dumpster.
Matty: Mm...Nah, you look pretty good in the light behind the dumpster too.
Jenna: So, um... I've been wanting to ask you something.
Matty: Sure.
Jenna: Are we... Together?
Valerie: Ohh...No, no, no, no. I'm wearing granny panties.
Teacher: Oh, that is so hot.
Valerie: Uhh!
In the parking.
Jenna: As we walked through the empty parking lot, it looked exactly how I felt. Post-apocalyptic.
Matty: So I haven't answered your question.
Jenna: What question?
Matty: About us.
Jenna: Oh...That one.
Matty: Jenna, I like you. I really like you. And I think it's so cool that you're not afraid to be who you are. You don't care what other people think of you.
Jenna: Yes, I do. I-I do.
Matty: Doesn't seem like it. But... I'm just not sure I'm ready to be in a relationship. If you're not cool with that, I will understand. But I like hanging out with you.
Jenna: I felt like everything d changed. But nothing had changed. Except I finally knew the score. I wasn't cool with it.
Jenna: I'm cool with it.
Matty: Cool. You think I could get a ride?
Jenna: Mm-hmm.
Matty: Okay.
In Hamilton’s car.
Jenna: The scorch from my rejection was still lingering. And the fact that my dad was driving 15 miles under the speed limit was only prolonging my hell.
Kevin: Lace... Keep it down over there. Can't concentrate with that noise.
Jenna: It was like my parents were stoned.
Matty: Well, thanks a lot for the ride. Hey, tonight was fun. I'll see ya.
Jenna: We can go now, dad.
Kevin: You know, Jenna, I was just thinking.
Jenna: If he was gonna say something about Matty, I was gonna lose it.
Kevin: When you were a little girl, you used to really like seahorses.
Jenna’s bedroom.
Jenna: For weeks, I'd assumed the letter was an evil indictment of the person who wrote it. But then it hit me. What if the author was just trying to be honest? I couldn't hate them for that. Just like I couldn't hate Matty. He had been honest, something I wasn't brave enough to do. But Ming was.
Jenna phones Ming.
Ming: Hey.
Jenna: Hi. I didn't tell you about Matty because, um, I didn't want you to judge me.
Ming: I was just telling you the truth.
Jenna: I know. Sometimes, the truth is hard to hear. Matty told me he didn't want to be in a relationship with me.
Ming: I'm sorry. But he's an idiot. And an armpit sniffer. It's weird, Jenna. What was Tamara's take?
Jenna: I haven't told her yet.
Ming: Well, I don't know if this will make you feel better but, at least be happy, you're not me. When I got home, my parents took the bark control shock collar of our dog, and they put it on me.
Jenna: Is that legal?
Ming: No! Upside, according to other researches on tiger mom, I'm gonna be men successful.
Jenna: Good. Then you could comfort me. Because according to my mom, a person's success is directly related to the size of her boobs.
Ming: Ouch! You're making me electric out.
