Jenna and Matty kiss and have sex everywhere in high school.
Jenna : For 2.8 weeks, Matty couldn't keep his hands off me. He was on a Jenna bender. And aside from the fact that my vag-a-matic was suffering some serious road burn, I was high on life. I was living those magical high school moments I'd only seen in movies, and like most leading ladies, I wanted more. Not more boning. I wasn't starting a lifelong battle with sex addiction. I just wanted more... Intimacy. Like the kind I had with Brian Palermo when we played doctor as kids.
Jenna and Matty have sex in a little pink house.
Matty: There's a cramp. I got to...
Jenna: Sorry.
Jenna: Seven years later, I was playing for real with a guy I knew nothing about.
Jenna: Can you move ? My head's in the oven.
Jenna: My casual suicide reference could have killed the moment, but luckily Matty was preoccupied.
Matty: Oh, God. Should I wait?
Jenna: It was time to get to know Matty. And I had approximately ten seconds.
Jenna: If you could live anywhere in the world?
Matty: I don't know.
Jenna: How old when you lost your virginity?
Matty: About 15.
Jenna: If you were on death row, your last meal?
Matty: Benihana's.
Jenna: Are you close to your mom?
Matty: No more questions.
Jenna: Okay.
Matty: Awesome!
They have finished.
Matty: I used to collect these little dudes.
Jenna: Turns out we had a lot in common.
Jenna: Keep it.
Jenna: So after bonding over sex and our shared love of reptiles trained in martial arts specializing in sabotage, I couldn't help but wonder if this made Matty and I a "we", and were we going about this backwards? First the sex, then the relationship? Or were we more interesting?
Jenna: Do we have any plans? Do you. Do you have any plans this weekend?
Matty: I'll, probably swing by Lissa's party Friday.
Jenna: I should have gone with the "we". You know, power of suggestion.
Matty: You should come.
They get out off the little house.
Jenna: So I guess "we" weren't the type who kissed good-bye.
Matty kisses Jenna.
Jenna: Or maybe we were.
At school
Tamara: If you're not busy tonight, Ricky Schwartz is having peeps over for strip jenga.
Jenna: Matty invited me to a party.
Tamara: Get out of the city!
Jenna: Matty's actual words: "You should come." Does that count as an invite?
Tamara: He parked his pink Cadillac down your side street. It counts. He's taking you public, outing you as a couple.
Jenna: Tamara thought Matty and I were a "we."
Jenna: So it's a date?
Tamara: Dates are so old testament. You show up at the party. And bring me.
Jenna: Too bad it's being thrown by queen of the virgin parade.
Lissa: Join the abstinence club. Before it's too late.
Tamara: TIA. It means this is awkward.
Lissa: Abstinence isn't easy, and neither are you.
Tamara: You can't be in that club. But you can still go to her party.
Jenna: It's penciled in. Keeping Matty and I's relationship off the grid seems to be working for us.
Lissa: Stop. Don't touch me there. That, sir, is my no-no square.
Matty: Girlfriend's on the hymen squad.
Jake: Lissa's given me so many rub and tugs, I got no skin left down there.
Matty: I blame God.
Jake: You know what really sucks? It's our three-month anniversary tonight, so I'm probably due another handie.
Matty: Or Lissa's case, a sandie. Handie so rough, it's like sandpaper.
Tamara: We have to go to Lissa's. This is my opportunity to skip nine, maybe ten rungs on the social ladder.
Jenna: It's gonna be a big party, no one'll even notice we're there.
Tamara: Doesn't matter. A person's popularity is directly related to the number of red cup pics they have posted online. Photoshopping my way to the a-list was a big fail Mary. To simulate gange smoke, I lit a fire in my trash can, and my hair caught on fire. I was wearing my Jessica Simps' bump-up pony, so I ripped that shit out.
Lissa: S-T-O-P. Keep your thing away from me.
Sadie: Where's your purity ring? Hanging from your nipple?
Lissa: I'm just using the gifts God gave me.
Sadie: I hope you're using the party planning gifts he gave you, because I will not be associated with some lame-ass shindy. Especially when tonight's the night I'm hooking up with Matty.
Lissa: My party is going to rock your face off. And it's perfect timing. It's mine and Jake's three-month anniversary.
Sadie: You know what that means, right?
Lissa: It's our paper anniversary?
Sadie: More like a latex anniversary. 'Cause it's the deadline for sex. If you don't do him, you'll lose him. And do not heat up the hot tub. I can't have it going down with Matty in some nasty cesspool.
Jenna: Maybe we should go tonight.
In Jenna’s bedroom. She is writing her daily.
Jenna: I was having some serious party jitters. My outfit said yes, but my gut said stay the hell home. Maybe it was a sign that Matty needed room to miss me.
Jenna: I just decided we're not going.
Tamara: If we don't go, then the terrorists win. And by "terrorists" I mean Sadie. I can't believe you never showed this to me. Bitch definitely wrote the letter.
Jenna: Why would she bother?
Tamara: One, she hates you, two, she sexted your billabongs to the tri-school area, and, three, she has a thing for Matty, and probably suspects you do too. You cannot show fear. Show her you don't give a crap.
Jenna: Or I don't go and don't show anything.
Lacey: Laundry. Are you wearing eyeliner? What's happening here?
Tamara: She got invited to an in-crowd party. She doesn't want to go.
Lacey: You're going. And I know exactly what you could wear. Nothing in your closet. Be right back.
Tamara: What if you invited Matty to a party and he didn't show up? How would you feel?
Jenna: Well, I'd be bummed.
Tamara: Guys have feelings too. They're sensitive. Especially if they're circumcised. Matty junior wear a helmet?
Jenna: How would I know?
Tamara: You'd know.
Lacey comes back with clothes.
Tamara & Jenna: No.
Jenna: I don't want Matty to feel bad, so... I don’t know. Should I ask him to walk me in, or does that make me seem like a pussy?
Tamara: No, you and Matty have a thing.
Jenna: I didn't know what kind of thing, but I was hoping the party would clear that up.
Lacey comes back with clothes again.
Tamara & Jenna: No.
Jenna: Ok.
Tamara: Big ups on the content, but I'm not sold on the sign off.
Jenna: I tried an exclaim but it made me seem too excited, and now I'm worried the "..." is too whorey.
Tamara: Agreed. The ellipses are the sluts of punctuation. Go with a dash.
Lacey comes back with a top again
Tamara & Jenna: No.
Lacey drives Jenna and Tamara to the party.
Lacey: I don't really remember a whole hell of a lot from that night. Keep in mind, it was my very first party, and I was wasted. And I was alone with maybe, seven guys, and they were wasted...
Jenna: If you're about to get nostalgic over your first orgy, I really don't want to hear about it.
Lacey: Surprisingly, no. But I never did find out what happened to my panties.
Jenna: Ok. He hasn't texted me back. Is he inside? Or should I wait out here?
Lacey: Who are we talking about?
Tamara: Matty McKibben.
Lacey: Are you and Matty together?
Jenna: Apparently this was a burning question on everyone's mind. If only I could answer it.
Jenna: Can we go around the block again?
Lacey: No more laps. The beer is for the kids.
Finnish vodka is for Lissa's mom. She is a big boozer, and no doubt drank every ounce of hooch in that house. All right, girls. What is the golden rule?
Jenna & Tamara: Beer before liquor, never sicker. Liquor before beer, in the clear.
Lacey: Have a good night.
In Lissa’s garden.
Jenna: Promise me if it's weird at all that we will just leave.
Tamara: Like you said, no one'll even notice us. It sounds like a rager. There's probably five million people.
Jenna: That's true, I guess. Hi.
Tamara: Or we just crashed a get-together.
Jenna: TIA.
At the party.
Jenna: The Finnish vodka's for your mom, and the beer is... That's for us.
Lissa: My mom'll be so stoked. Her bathroom mini fridge is totally empty.
Sadie: Who the fuck invited you?
Matty: I did.
Jenna: Matty and I were a "we."
Sadie: Better hide the knives.
Tamara: Say "Sadie!"
Sadie: Get out of my face, wannabe. Lissa, I told you to lock up that stupid mutt!
Lissa: Sprinkles, be quiet!
Jenna: So there we were, out in public, for the whole... Small group of people to see. I wondered how he'd introduce me.
Matty : Hey !
Jenna: As his girlfriend, his date, his lover...
Matty: Drinks and stuff are over here.
Jenna: I would have settled for "Jenna."
Matty: You know everybody.
Somebody: Hey, McKibben.
Jenna: I know almost no one. What do we do now?
Tamara: Blend in.
Jenna: There's nothing to blend into.
Tamara: Matty invited you here. It's your turn to make the next move. But first, pretend like you're cross-faded. Cigarette butts.
Jenna: How's it going?
Matty: Good. Yeah, good. Pretty good. Actually, it's kind of weird.
Jenna: It's way weird.
Matty: Yes. I really didn't know this was gonna be a kickback.
Jenna: I figured.
Matty: Yeah.
Matty: Let me ask you something. What's the benefit to having a smaller party versus a standard rager?
Matty: Well, no one's gonna call the cops, and their house won't get trashed. And there's a lot more booze to go around, so...
Sadie: It's really nice to see you out, Jenna. Is this your first party since the accident?
Tamara: Everybody smize. Smile with your eyes.
Jenna: If our body language was analyzed by the experts at Us Weekly, they would have said we were on the outs.
Sadie: I need your help with the keg.
Matty: Right. Talk later?
Inside the house.
A girl: Did you get lowlights?
Other Girl: And highlights. Then I got completely neck-2-t lasered.
A girl: Did it hurt?
Other Girl: I didn't even feel it. Then again, I always take, like, three zannies.
A girl: Oh, my God. Is that safe?
Other Girl: They're driving zannies.
Tamara: Cups up, ladies. By the way, I'm Tamara. It's spelled "tam-ara," but it's pronounced "ta-mara." Like, if your birth control fails, you better plan "b" it "ta-mara."
Jake: I've never actually seen a girl eat at one of these kickbacks.
Jenna: You look like you're having about as much fun as I am.
Jake: I'm a little stressed. It's my anniversary.
Jenna: It makes sense. A year's a long time.
Jake: It's only been three months.
Lissa kisses Jake.
Jake: Liss, People are watching.
Lissa : What people?
Jenna: Okay.
Sadie: Where have you been?
Matty: I had to take a leak.
Sadie: Come check this out. Lissa's dad got an electric eel, ,and when you tap the glass, it gets super pissed, and shocks the crap out of the angel fish.
Matty: Sadie, let's just talk about it a little later, okay? All right.
Sadie: Don't even talk to me until you kick that slut-hole out of your party.
Lissa: Why? Did Matty just blow you off?
Sadie: No, I asked him to get me a beer. What is your problem, drunk fu?
Lissa: You were right about Jake. He is pulling away. I have to step it up. But I can't have sex-sex, so what can I do without breaking my vow?
Sadie: Well, there is a loophole.
Lissa: Really?
Sadie: God has a blind spot.
Matty: So I was thinking, you remember when we were at your house, and we were talking... What's going on, man?
Jenna: So there we were, not speaking. I desperately wanted him to say something. Anything. Even though I was stuck on mute. 24 hours ago, Matty was taking my temp with his all-beef thermometer, and now he couldn't even ask me how much foam I wanted.
Jenna: That's plenty.
Jenna: Maybe he was just shy. I'd never been out with him before. Maybe he had social anxiety.
Lissa: Who's ready for some hot tub action?
Jenna: So my shy theory was a tad off.
Sadie: I told you no hot tub.
Lissa: I needed an excuse to get in a bikini so I could lure Jake into my room. But don't worry. I know you don't do swimsuits, So... I brought you one of my dad's shirts. Where's Jake?
Tamara: Lose the clothes, beer wench. We're going in.
Jenna: I think I'll pass.
Later.
A girl : I only missed the concert because I had to go to my parents' divorce party. But get another drink in me and I can make music in your pants.
Jenna: Hello?
Jenna: It was a career low. I had resorted to the fake phone call.
Jenna: I'm just chillin' at this kickback.
Jenna: I was putting up with a bunch of ass-icles just to hang with Matty, who had barely acknowledged me. I guess the all-encompassing "we" I was hoping for wasn't the "we" that he wanted.
Jenna: Oh no. Karaoke sounds awesome.
In Lissa’s bedroom.
Lissa: Happy anniversary.
Jake: Jeez, Liss.
Lissa: It's been three months. And... I want to reward you for being so patient.
Jake: I don't need a reward.
Lissa: I can't give you exactly what you want. But... I can give you... My be-hymen! Jake, can you... Can you help me with this? Jake? Jake?
In the bathroom.
Jenna: Just a second.
Tamara: Jenna, are you playing video games?
Jenna: Okay, look, this clearly wasn't a real invite. You have enough pictures, so can we please just go?
Tamara: Two skanks are all over Matty, but he hit the ignore button. Probably because he's waiting for some Hamilton soup.
Jenna: Really?
Outside.
Jenna: Tamara was right. Matty wasn't responsive. Even though sluts-her-face was practically dry-humping him. I did want to go in. And what did I have to lose? I had some Victoria's secrets of my own. I didn't know if he was going out of his way to answer my question, but he couldn't have made it any clearer. Matty and I weren't a "we" at all. There was only me, and... Me was devastated.
Matty is kissing a girl.
Sadie: What are you looking at, freak?
Jenna: Nothing.
Sadie: Looks like Matty invited a lot of people. I'm not in the mood for a sob fest, so why don't you go home and practice the blood violin?
Matty: I'm sorry.
A girl: You want to take this inside?
Matty: No. Just back off, please?
Jenna: Okay, I want to go, "T."
Tamara: But I need her to hold up my extensions. Isn't this awesome? In a little while, okay?
Karli: It's a little serendip... Itous that I'm gonna vomit, because now I don't have to feel guilty about eating all those nachos.
Tamara: Hold that thought. Cup up, Karli. Roman shower, coming through.
Sadie: Sprinkles, come here, b...
On the porch. Jenna phones her mother.
Jenna: Hey, mom.
Lacey: It's only 9:15. Please don't tell me you want me to pick you up already.
Jenna: No, I was actually, calling because the party's so awesome, we might be a while.
Jake: What are you doing out here?
Jenna: I don't know. What are you doing?
Jake: Leaving. You need a ride?
Jenna: Please.
In the jacuzzi.
Tamara: Anyone want to make out with me? Anyone? Running solo here.
Tamara takes pictures. Matty is alone with the ninja turtle. Jenna and Jake talk in Jake’s car.
Jenna: So Lissa refuses to have sex with you, but she'll do that?
Jake: Yep. And... Get ready to piss your pants, because she called it her be-hymen.
Jenna: Oh, my God. That's genius.
Jake: I can't believe I just told you that.
Jenna: I can't either, but I'm glad you did.
Jake: Really? Why?
Jenna: It means you trust me.
Jake: You're easy to talk to.
Jenna: I was just thinking the same thing.
Jake: So why did you bail on the party?
Jenna: Because... It sucked.
Jake: Yeah, agreed. I forgot to mention the part of the story where I completely bolted. I mean, does that make me an ass?
Jenna: Just ass-ophobic.
Jake: I want to do it. You know, I'm a guy. Just under different circumstances. Like maybe after we've known each other longer... Does that make any sense?
Jenna: I knew exactly what he meant. Not that I wanted to take it up with Kardashian. But maybe Matty and I shouldn't have done anything until we knew each other better.
Jake: Man. Everything on the radio's really depressing.
Jenna: I had barely spent any time with Jake, and I already knew extremely intimate stuff about him. Weird stuff I didn't really want to know.
Jake: Do you have to be home right away?
Jenna: I have a few hours to kill.
In the Jacuzzi.
Tamara: Oh, my God. Someone pooped.
In Jake’s car.
Jenna: Wait. Do you hear those lyrics? Turn it up.
The singer: Don't come knocking on my backdoor. Saying don't come knocking on my backdoor. Saying all those pretty words you said before.
