Épisode Jenny ou Jenna ? S03E15 - Awkward Saison 3

Sanctuary

Jenna: Collin and I had been seeing each other for weeks, but we hadn't felt the need to DTR.

We were beyond it. Because when it came to him, I was all-in. Not to mention DTRing was for suckers.

Boy: Dude, your hair's smoking.

Collin: Holy fuck, you're on fire.

Jenna: What the hell?

Jenna: I loathed hanging out in the Sanctuary. But it was the only place Collin and I could be together hater-free… And Monday mornings definitely brought out the dregs. It was like an AA meeting. All the addicts needed their fix to make it through the week. Thank God I wasn't one of them.

Collin: I gotta go.

Jenna: Wait, no, no, no. Please, just one more.

Boy: That's how it started for me too.

Jenna: I can walk away anytime I want.

Classroom

Sadie: Way to make an effort, Hamiltrick. Nice bra.

Mr. Hart: Okay, it is an hour-long class. Romeo will still be here when it's all over… Well, it's that time of year again when we put out a new edition of Experior. Does anybody know what Experior means?

Kyle: Experior is a superhero who possess the power of telekinesis and extra-dimensional time travel.

Mr. Hart: It's Latin for "Let it be printed," and it's also the name of our literary magazine. Now you will all be submitting an essay for this year's issue, which, judging by the level of talent in this room, should look more like a flyer. This year's topic... Heroes and villains.

Valerie: Hey.

Mr. Hart: Oh, I'll be right back.

Hallway

Mr. Hart: Yeah?

Valerie: I need your help. And quite frankly, you need mine. I overheard Principal Cox talking about another round-ee-round of pink slips.

Mr. Hart: That's just talk.

Valerie: Oh, yeah? Look what I found on my desk this morning.

Mr. Hart: That's a phone message.

Valerie: Yeah, but it could have just as easily been a pink slip.

Mr. Hart: Who are you?

Valerie: Valerie Marks, Guidance Counsellor. And more recently, choir leader, cheer coach, drill team mentor.

Mr. Hart: Oh, a woman of many trades.

Valerie: Oh, no, only one. I hate doing all that other crap. I'm just trying to make myself indispensable.

Mr. Hart: Why are you here?

Valerie: There's a district-wide video competition, the winner of which gets... Drum roll. A nurse for a month.

Mr. Hart: Our nurse was cut?

Valerie: Let's just say she went gently into that good night. EE Cummings.

Mr. Hart: Dylan Thomas.

Valerie: Who cares what the nurse's name was? If I win this thing, it'll increase my profile and make me even more indispensable… And you, if I can borrow your students.

Mr. Hart: Will this project interfere with my teaching schedule?

Valerie: Just for a week.

Mr. Hart: Perfect.

Classroom

Valerie: Drama. Intrigue. Suicide. Drugs. Depression. Friendship. Love. Alcoholism. Freeze frames. These delightful and somewhat scary words describe my favourite TV genre, the After... School... Special. ASS for short. I was addicted to them.

Mr. Hart: Uh, you might want to explain that, unless you brought a time machine.

Valerie: I did not. After-school specials were made-for-TV movies for pubes… Pubescents… Back in the day, which dealt with controversial subjects and socially relevant issues. Lifetime movies for teens. And I need a crackerjack team of writers and filmmakers who can make it happen. We'll meet after school this week. Feel free to ask your friends to participate… But only the attractive ones. We're talking HD-friendly. Uh-uh.

Hallway

Collin: Ugh, the ASS is gonna be a train wreck. What should we do in it?

Jenna: Nothing. Now that I'm grounded, after school is the only time we get to spend together.

Collin: Yeah, but I don't think we can get out of it.

Jenna: Oh, yes, we can.

Valerie’s office

Valerie: Have you been crying? Your eyes look bloodshot.

Jenna: I guess I just got a little emotional when I found out about my mom.

Valerie: Did something happen to L-dog?

Jenna: She sprained her back.

Valerie: Oh, no. Oh, I gotta call her.

Jenna: No, don't do that. She doesn't want anyone to know. She's embarrassed.

Valerie: Oh, because it happened during sex?

Jenna: I can neither confirm nor deny.

Valerie: Hmm, I see. I bet that Kevin's a real stingray in the sack.

Jenna: Collin and I have to go straight home after school, and we can't be in your awesome video. We're so bummed.

Valerie: If I had to guess what your parents were doing, I'd say the pile driver. Or maybe the backwards jellyfish. Why does Collin need to be there?

Jenna: My mom needs help getting to the bathroom until my dad gets home.

Valerie: You are released. I take that back. Must have been the dirty Santa Claus.

Court

Sadie: Are you trying to torture yourself, or are you just a straight-up creeper?

Matty: I am just trying to wrap my head around how the hell this happened.

Sadie: Why do you care? Jenna is a ho-bag slut machine who humiliated you in front of the world.

Matty: Yeah, but somewhere deep down, she's still my friend.

Sadie: You are so nice, it's annoying.

Theater

Valerie: The subject matter for the after-school specials ran the gamut from drunk moms to teenage prostitution to rheumatoid arthritis. Is that funny to you, blondie? How funny you think it was for poor Carol Ann, a skater on her way to Olympic gold who woke up one day and couldn't fit her fat elephant feet into her size 6 skates?

Lissa: Not funny at all.

Valerie: Even though every ASS had a different message, they had the same six steps to get you there… Number one, establish the problem of the main character, the troubled teen.

Lissa: Can I play her?

Valerie: Only if we end up doing porn star runaway or eating disorder.

Sadie: Speaking of slutty, how did Jenna get out of this?

Valerie: Can't talk about it. Let's just say it involved a sex injury.

Sadie: Of course it did… I have an idea. Why don't we do a story about a troubled loser girl who's so desperate for attention she tries to commit suicide, fails, then defies all odds by becoming popular and then manages slowly but surely to alienate everyone in her life, and then she dies?

Valerie: I think it's... Perfect. All we need is a title.

Sadie: How about, What Are We Gonna Do About Jenny?

Valerie: I think we have a winner. What Are We Gonna Do About…

Parking

Tamara: Jenna. Seriously, you guys, what are we gonna do about her?

Jake: I'm confused. I thought you never wanted to talk to her again.

Tamara: I don't wanna talk to her. I wanna yell at her.

Ming: I kinda wanna smack her.

Tamara: I tried to stay out of it, but I can't just sit back and watch Jenna drift into Amanda Bynesville.

Jake: So what are we gonna do?

Ming: I think we're gonna need some guidance or some counselling. Or some guidance counselling.

Valerie’s office

Ming: What do we do if we know one of our friends is in trouble?

Valerie: I don't know, talk to 'em, I guess.

Jake: But he, or she, won't listen to us because he, or she, has been hanging out with a really bad dude.

Valerie: Oh, I see. Your friend's having a gender identity crisis.

Tamara: No, our friend is skipping school and turning into a gange-head.

Valerie: You strike me as being very concerned about your friend. I'd go so far as to call you the concerned friends. My advice is to get involved in an after-school activity. Ming, can you remove your hat please? Have you ever thought about acting? Tamara had a memorable scenery-chewing turn in Dead Stacey, but what about you two?

Jake: I was in it too.

Valerie: Eh, not so memorable.

Ming: How is acting going to help?

Valerie: It'll free you up as people. Okay, please stand up. I'd like to try some improv.

Ming: I'm confused.

Jake: Yeah, what are we supposed to be doing?

Valerie: You're supposed to be confused, and you are succeeding. You, you're about to be shipped off to a German work camp. You can only bring one friend. The other friend will die. Who do you choose? Don't think!

Tamara: I don't know, I can't decide! But I would rather die than kill off one of my friends.

Valerie: Oh, impressive. You two in the back, please step forward. Jake, take one step back… You two in the front row, congratulations, you made it. You in the back, I'm sorry. You'll have to tell your mom that you'll be late to dinner, because you made it too!

Jake: I made what?

Valerie: My ASS, my after-school special video.

Jake: No, I'm not doing that.

Ming: Not my jam.

Valerie: I'll give you a mental health day pass to skip school.

Jake: Done.

Ming: I'm in.

Tamara: I don't need the pass.

Court

Collin: Have you started your essay yet?

Jenna: I'll write it tonight. If I can stay awake. What time did you leave last night… 2:00?

Collin: Mm, more like 3:00… Hey.

Jenna: What is it?

Collin: A ticket for the A train.

Jenna: What if I need a round-trip ticket?

Jenna’s bedroom

Jenna: I hadn't decided what to write my essay about, so I was just writing anything that popped into my head. But why was it so hard to settle on a subject matter? Hero or villain? Maybe running around the block a few times would help me decide. I had never felt so inspired and yet so scattered. It was weird and awesome, but what was even awesomer…

On set

Sadie: There were certain things I had learned about myself over the years, but the single most important thing was I loved writing about me and all my stupid problems. Maybe my side braid was cutting off the circulation to my brain, but I couldn't stop doing dumb stuff I would regret later.

Valerie: Cut! Enough with the blogging. Jesus. So boring. Am I right?

Lissa: Totally.

Sadie: Watch yourself. I wrote you into the script, and I can write you out.

Ming: This is about Jenna.

Jake: And she is not gonna like it.

Tamara: Or it'll snap her out of her insanity.

Valerie: Okay. Let's move on to the "Establish the problem" montage. Kyle, you're the good guy jock. Jake, you're the bad guy.

Jake: Why do I have to be the bad guy?

Valerie: 'Cause you're always typecast as a goody-goody.

Jake: In what?

Valerie: In life.

Sactuary

Sadie: I wasn't always a bad girl. I was just boring and lame. But lately, I had become a hard-core bitch who also happened to be boring and lame. But in order to understand how I got where I was, you needed to know where I'd been. After getting caught cheating with Calvin on my boyfriend, Danny, I lost all my friends. I was alone. But it wasn't long before I found a new friend to lift my spirits… Mary Jane. I had become an addict and a loser. Well... A more epic loser, since I was a loser from the start. But my piece de resistance was pushing away the only people who had to love me... People who were far more attractive than me and in no way, shape, or form could have been my biological parents, because they were smokin' hot.

Sadie: I hate you and your boobs!

Valerie: I hate you!

Sadie: And it made me want to die... Even more than usual.

Hamilton’s house

Jenna: Hey, it's me. I'm just calling to say I miss you. I know it's only been ten seconds, but I miss you already. Meet me in my room in 30? Okay, bye. Whoa.

Lacey: What the hell is this?

Jenna: You're sick?

Lacey: And you're unbelievable. You don't even remember your own lies. They're from Valerie.

Jenna: She's doing this lame video project after school, and I can't waste my time on that when I've got an important paper to write for Mr. Hart. It's gonna be published in his lit magazine. Isn't that cool?

Lacey: So you lied to Valerie to get out of doing her project, and you used me as your excuse, not to mention your dad, who Valerie now thinks is some crazy sex fiend. Jenna, she sent me a jellyfish balloon.

Jenna: Mom, it's no big deal…

Lacey: Eh! Get in the car. You are doing this lame video, and on the way over, you're gonna explain to me what a backwards jellyfish is.

On set

Valerie: Cut! I've seen rock bottom, and that wasn't it. We are talking depths of despair, basement level, absolute bottom. Like if your parents lost all their money.

Sadie: In that case, I would definitely kill myself. If I were Jenny.

Kyle: I know how to make fake blood. It totally looks real. It even smells real. But it's not.

Valerie: No. No. No blood. No dying. We are not gonna win this contest with a sad ending. This isn't the Golden Globes.

Kyle: Jenny lives.

Valerie: L-dog! So good to see you back on your feet, you sneaky dickens, you. You know, I've always believed in the power of a good balloon arrangement. "Heal-ium".

Lacey: And I am healed! Which means Jenna doesn't have to take care of me anymore. She is all yours.

Valerie: Great! FYI, it's a closed set. Pick up where we left off! And action! Voiceover.

Sadie: I had hit rock bottom, and it felt surprisingly like home. Even though there was nowhere to go but up, I wanted to stay there and move in.

Jenna: What is this?

Sadie: An uber-tragic tale about a loser girl who wants to die, called... What Are We Gonna Go About Jenny?

Jenna: You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Valerie: Jenna, you are going to be concerned friend number four.

Jenna: Actually, I think I'd make a much better enemy.

Valerie: No, no, no, no. You're way too goody-two-shoes to pull that off. All right, listen up, actors. You're in the mall. There are zombies everywhere, and they're headed for the food court… Only you are the food. That is your emotional state. And action!

Sadie: Get out of my room!

Lissa: We can't watch you throw away your life!

Sadie: My life is over! I had a hot boyfriend who loved me even though I'm an unlovable, plain loser freak with no fashion sense, but I dumped him for a pothead douche hole, and now I have to live with that, which is why I get high just to make it through the day.

Tamara: I don't care if you hate us right now. We're your friends, and you need to hear this.

Sadie: I have no friends! I'm a loser! I'm so dirty and gross and high, I just want to kill myself!

Ming: Stop talking like that. We love you. And we're worried about you.

Jenna: Actually, Jenny, I'm not worried about you at all. You seem fine to me, so go on and live your life, which is none of our business. We'll leave you alone.

Tamara: We already left her alone, and she made some very bad choices.

Jenna: So what? They were her choices.

Tamara: Were they? Because it seemed like Jenny was just doing whatever her boyfriend wanted her to do.

Ming: And that guy is bad news.

Jake: They're improvising.

Valerie: Oh, improv.

Sadie: You don't even know Calvin, and I can say that for a fact because I hardly know him, because we're too busy getting high and doing it to have an actual conversation.

Jenna: Not true… You and Calvin have meaningful conversations all the time.

Tamara: I think Jenny's just dating him 'cause she likes hanging out with a bad boy.

Ming: Or maybe because he has the sweet pot connections.

Lissa: Or maybe because he owns a jet ski!

Jenna: She's dating him because she likes him. End of story.

Sadie: All this fighting and arguing just makes me want to die more!

Tamara: You are so out of it, you don't even know what you're saying!

Jenna: I am not out of it, and I don't need your help, so leave me alone.

Hallway

Matty: Can you give us a minute. Hey.

Jenna: What? Are you gonna talk to me too? Tell me I'm going down the wrong path, hanging out with bad people? You wanna warn me? Go for it.

Matty: Nope.

Valerie: I'm sorry, J. You're suspended.

Valerie’s office

Guy: I got you the pills, but this isn't enough.

Jake: It's all I got. I'll give you the rest tomorrow, dude. I swear.

Guy: That's not good enough. Ugh!

Sadie: Oh, my God, you killed him!

Jake: Oh!

Sadie: Calvin! Nooo... All this fighting and arguing just makes me want to die more!

Tamara: You are so out of it, you don't even know what you're saying.

Jenna: I am not out of it, and I don't need your help, so just leave me alone.

Sadie: I just want to kill myself! I wanted to die. I deserve to die. But I guess it's time for me to start living... For now.

Valerie: First prize goes to... Valerie Marks, for her moving portrait of a deeply troubled girl who lost her way… Deeply troubled girl who lost her way...

Tamara: You are so out of it, you don't even know what you're saying.

Jenna: I am not out of it, and I don't need your help, so just leave me alo…

Valerie: Oh, my God. I was so busy with my ASS, I didn't see the ASS in front of my face. Jenna is Jenny.

Jenna’s house

Jenna: Why are you here?

Valerie: I'm the help that arrives. Yay!

Jenna: Well, I don't need it, so why don't you be the help that goes the hell away?

Valerie: That's the pot talking. And I am sorry that it took me so long to get up to speed… Which you might be on too. But I'm ready now. And as your friend, I'm ready to help, 'cause you're my girl.

Jenna: Your girl… Don't you see how weird that is? No, of course you don't, 'cause you don't understand boundaries. I'm not your friend, and I never have been. You're just my guidance counsellor, and a sucky one at that.

Jenna’s bedroom

Jenna: Since I had known her, Valerie had always crossed the line, and I had always let it slide. But what was the point of our special friendship, if she wasn't going to let me off with a slap on the wrist? As far as I was concerned, by suspending me, she had crossed over the line to the point of no return, which is exactly where I wanted to be... Until I found a drug that was going to make me feel really good… Revenge. The good thing about having been suspended? I had plenty of time to finish Hart's assignment, and I knew exactly who I would write about. Only there weren't going to be any heroes in my story, just a villain. One very familiar villain… It was time for me to take that bitch down.