Épisode La déprime S05E04 - Awkward Saison 5

Hamilton’s house: Jenna’s bedroom

Jenna: After I'd ended my brief, boring foray into popularity land, I didn't know which me to dress for. Was I still cool, fun, flirty Jenna, or was I back to being...

Lacey: So plain, Jenna. It's perfect.

Jenna: Uh, perfect for what?

Lacey: The mother-daughter senior banquet.

Jenna: Please tell me you're not doing that.

Lacey: And pass up a chance to imitate you onstage in front of all the senior girls? You're right. I... I really shouldn't. It's... It's cruel. As if! I've been waiting for this day since you were a freshman.

Jenna: Okay, well, can you at least choose something else to wear?

Lacey: But, honey, that hideous hoodie is so you.

Jenna: Gee, thanks.

Lacey: Okay. Okay. Which outfit screams, "I am Jenna Hamilton"? Damn. It's not this sexy top, is it?

High School: hallway

Theo: Get your yearbooks, you sick nostalgia junkies.

Cole: You'll notice we've made a few changes this year. Sorry, not sorry.

Theo: The original version was bogus social propaganda.

Cole: Not to mention boring as shit.

Tamara: Hell, yes. Hell, yes. Yearbooks are like smack on crack. Interesting outfit choice, Jenna.

Jenna: What? I'm mixing it up.

Tamara: I love that for you. WTF? GTFO! OMG. FML.

Jenna: T, are you short-circuiting?

Tamara: Beavis and Gayhead hijacked our yearbook. "Most basic" is not a senior superlative. Neither is "best bulge."

Jenna: Yikes. Jake and Matty got "most likely to be bro-mos forever."

Tamara: Well, Au revoir, the train has left that friendship station. Oh, Jenna, look. You got something.

Jenna: Wait, what? Let me see.

Jenna: Considering how many changes I'd gone through in the past four years, I wouldn't be surprised if I was named "most improved" or "biggest transformation" or... "

Jenna: Most depressing"? This is BS. I haven't been Suicide Girl since sophomore year. Why would anyone still think of me as depressing?

Tamara: Well, there was that one semester where you ditched all your friends to hang out with Mary Jane and that douche, Collin. Oh, and I guess the low class rank and the whole "not getting into SCU" thing. And you're kind of always in this constant state of analysis paralysis on your face. But don't worry, those superlatives are so false, it's an LOL. I mean, I got "most likely to marry a deaf guy," which makes no sense, because Adam has perfect hearing.

Jenna: Okay, but you aren't actually going to marry Adam.

Tamara: Oh, I forgot to tell you, I changed the date.

Jenna:  What?

Tamara: The breakup date, obvi. Adam is picking me up from school tomorrow, and I promz to end the dramz that night.

Matty: Jenna, Kyle has a question he would like to ask you.

Kyle: Um, hey. Can you sign my yearbook? I already wrote the inscription for you.

Jenna: Dear Kyle, you're a sex god. Please call me anytime. Love, Most Depressing.

Jenna: Sure, Kyle… Matty, do you maybe want to sign my yearbook?

Matty: Um, only if you maybe want to sign mine.

Jenna: Hmm.

Kyle: Come on, Matty, let's go watch some Twitch.

Tamara: What in the bitch is Twitch?

Matty: It's this online thing where you watch hot girls... Uh, you know what? It's not important.

Tamara: Pop quiz time. Matty and Kyle being new BFFs is, A, an American horror story, B, disturbia, C, kind of cute, in a sick unnatural way, or D, all of the above.

Jenna: What would I say in Matty's yearbook? More importantly, what would he say in mine? We had so much history together.

Tamara: Earth to Jenna. Come in, Jenna.

Jenna: Sorry, what were we talking about?

Tamara: See, this is why you were voted most depressing.

High School: cafeteria

Sadie: Gross, why are there so many old people at school today?

Lissa: There's a rehearsal for the mother-daughter banquet. I am so excited to see you be me onstage, Mommy.

Lesley: Well, I'm terrified. You know how much I hate being in the spotlight.

Lissa: Well, then why do you do all those plays at church?

Lesley: God called me to those parts, Lissa. I couldn't disobey His wishes. Now, come along.

Ally: Hey, beast with a bun!

Sadie: Ally, what are you doing here? Are you trying to get Percocet from the school nurse again?

Ally: I think she's onto my games. I'm here to practice for that mother-daughter thingy.

Sadie: Excuse me? You are not going to be in the banquet, you slunt.

Ally: Oh, I am, and I'm gonna get you so good.

Darlene: I am so sorry I'm late, sweetie. Did rehearsal already start?

Sadie: Darn, looks like your services are no longer needed.

Ally: Fine, I didn't really want to do it anyway. It's not like I'm getting an Oscar for this shit.

Darlene: I am so thrilled to be a part of this, honey. I've already been working on an impression of you that I think you'll adore.

Sadie: Hard to believe, since you literally know nothing about my life, but whatever. Good luck, Darlene… You're gonna need it.

High School

Matty: Hey, I didn't get to your yearbook yet. Do you mind if I get it back to you tomorrow?

Jenna: Not at all. I haven't gotten to yours either.

Matty: Sweet. I'll see you later.

Jenna: Matty needing more time with my yearbook clearly meant he had a lot to say. I just hope none of it involved calling me depressing or angsty or "that girl with the analysis-paralysis face."

High School: hallway

Jake: Who did that?

Matty: I don't know. Maybe you should ask one of Gabby's friends. Aren't they your bodyguards now?

Kyle: This guy bothering you, Matty?

Jake: Looks like you're the one with the bodyguard, McKibben, not me.

Kyle: I'm sorry, bro. I know run-ins with your ex can be awkward.

Matty: Me and Jenna? No, we're cool.

Kyle: I was talking about Jake.

Hamilton’s house: kitchen

Ally: And then she was all, "Looks like your services are no longer needed," and I'm like, "Oh, I'm so devastated. Go slip on a shit." Ixnay on the side-braid. Little bitch just walked in.

Jenna: Mom, what are you doing with your hair? I haven't worn it like that in forever.

Lacey: Honey, don't stress out.

Ally: I'm just trying out some options. Which reminds me, I need to try out a new white wine option. This one tastes like it's low on alcohol content. I can feel my body rehydrating. Not happy.

Lacey: Ah, the yearbooks are in. Let me see.

Jenna: Oh, it's dumb. Theo and Cole took over senior superlatives, and I got...

Lacey: "Most depressing." Oh.

Jenna: But I shouldn't read too much into it, right?

Lacey: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Senior superlatives mean nothing. I was voted "most likely not to go to college," and look at me now, 20 years later, enrolling. Joke's on them, right?

Jenna: Just out of curiosity, what did... What did Dad get?

Lacey: "Most likely to become a father before graduation." Which is weird, because it was three months before I got knocked up.

Jenna: And Ally?

Lacey: "Strongest liver."

Jenna: Oh, my God, I'm screwed.

Lacey: No, you're not. Those are just flukes, sweetie. Listen, our high school quarterback, Trent Simpson, was the nicest guy ever, and he was voted "most likely to end up in prison."

Ally: I am so sad Trent Simpson's dead. He was so hot.

Lacey: He died? How?

Ally: Got shivved in the joint.

Lacey: This isn't a yearbook. It's a crystal ball.

High School: hallway

Jenna: My mom's yearbook had me freaking out. Was high school really an accurate prediction of who you'd become? I wish Val wasn't MIA, I would've taken any kind of guidance right now.

Valerie’s office

Jenna: Thank God you're back, Val. I have some major...

Lissa: Hi, Jenna. Can I help you?

Jenna: Lissa, what are you doing here?

Lissa: It's a funny story, actually. I was in Val's office the other day looking for the key to the equipment closet when a student came in thinking I was the new guidance counselor.

Past

Lissa: I'm no expert, but I'd say life's way too short to stay mad at your friend. When my dad told me he was gay, I was totally angry at him for lying to my family, but then I realized that carrying around bad feelings was gross and probably giving me premature wrinkles. So I let it go, and now I feel so much better.

After

Lissa: I know breakups are hard, but if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. When I started dating my brother, Tyler, I thought I was in love with him, but then we had sex, and it just didn't feel right, so we broke up immediately.

After

Lissa: Just masturbate. You'll be fine.

Present day

Lissa: So what can I do for you today?

Jenna: Oh, it's not for me, I was just...

Lissa: Sit!

Jenna: It's stupid. I was named "most depressing" in the yearbook, and I'm worried that has some sort of curse on my future. Please stop laughing. It's not funny. Everything in my mom's yearbook came true.

Lissa: Listen, Jenna, people come to me with real problems, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't waste my time with your little superstitions.

Jenna: But...

Lissa: No buts. You shouldn't be worried about what Theo and Cole wrote about you in some silly yearbook, anyway. Your friends' opinions are the only ones that should matter.

Jenna: That's actually a really good point, Lissa.

Lissa: You're welcome. Now get out. My 2:30's here.

Sadie’s bedroom

Sadie: Okay, pay attention, Darlene. Here is my cheerleading uniform, a comprehensive tutorial on how I like to wear my hair, my favorite lip gloss, shoes, and... Oops! I accidentally put in two types of eyeliner, but since you're my mom, I'm sure you'll know which one I prefer to use.

Darlene: Of course I do, honey.

Ally: Sadie, your Latin gigolo's downstairs looking for you. Says to hurry up, it's an emergency.

Sadie: I thought Sergio was on the food truck. He better not have left his wiener apron in my car again.

Ally: Sergio no está aquí…  Dumb bitch falls for it every time.

Darlene: You two seem to have developed quite the playful dynamic.

Ally: Playful? Please. We drive each other bat-fuck insane. But hey, at least I'm actually around.

Darlene: Well, that's why I'm here now, Ally, to make up for lost time. Do you want to see what I've been working on for the banquet? I have to admit, I'm a little nervous.

Ally: Yeah, whatever.

Darlene: Okay… Hey, silly gooses. Want to go ride horses after school? You better watch out, because mine's a champion. Thank you.

Ally: News flash, Sadie hasn't ridden a horse in three years.

Darlene: I guess I am a little out of touch.

Ally: Uh, come on, I have a few pointers that'll make it perfect.

High school: parking

Tamara: Let me know if you have pointers on my breakup speech. I want this ish to be perfect. Adam, as much as it pains me, I have to end our engagement. I don't even know if I'm ready to ace my stats final, let alone get married on May 7^th in a Very Wang gown with a birdcage veil in front of 400 of our closest family and friends.

Jenna: Okay, stop there. Less is more.

Adam: Is that my beautiful fiancée chatting over there?

Tamara: Hey, babe. I brought place settings for you to look at. You are going to die. Like, literal death. They are so adorbs! But before we dive in, I need to talk to you about something.

Jenna: Good luck.

Tamara: Ditto to you too at the mother-daughter banquet tonight. Thank God I hacked into my mom's phone and deleted the invite.

Adam: What'd you want to talk to me about?

Tamara: JK. It was nothing.

 

Jenna: Hey, Matty, finished your yearbook.

Matty: Oh, yeah… I am finished with yours too.

Jenna: Great, can't wait to read it.

Matty: Me too. Have a good night.

Hamilton’s house: Jenna’s bedroom

Jenna: I spent all night crafting the perfect thing to say in Matty's yearbook, and not to brag, but I think I nailed it. Now to see what Matty, the person who knew me the best and whose opinion actually mattered, thought of me.

Jenna: "You're one cool chick."

Jenna: You've got to be kidding.

Lacey: Okay, honey, are you ready for a sneak peek for the show tonight?

Jenna: Now's not really a good time.

Lacey: Do you love, or do you luh-huv?

Jenna: What the hell are you doing? Are you trying to humiliate me?

Lacey: What? No, this is meant to be funny.

Jenna: Well, it's not. I'm not the same person I was sophomore year. I've grown up, okay? How would you like it if I imitated an old version of you? "Hi, I'm Lacey Hamilton. I wear shorter skirts than my teenage daughter. Ooh, I have an idea, let's write a fucking  carefrontation letter. Where's my special stationery?"

Lacey: Jesus, Jenna. Learn how to take a joke.

Jenna: Well, that was dumb. If I didn't want my mom to publicly embarrass me, I probably shouldn't have pissed her off two hours before she went onstage.

High School: gymnasium

Matty: Are you sure it's not weird that we're here? Last time I checked, guys weren't allowed at this thing.

Kyle: Dude, it's fine. I sneak into the banquet every year.

Matty: Why?

Kyle: 'Cause it's awesome. They're girls, but they're moms pretending to be girls… I also brought beers.

Matty: Nice.

Mother-daughter senior banquet

Lissa: Hi, ladies. Welcome to the mother-daughter senior banquet. I'm Lissa Miller/the new guidance counselor… No, seriously, I am. Anyway, let's give a big thanks to all the mommies for participating tonight, because without them, we literally wouldn't be alive, and that would suck, so let's get the show started!

 

Julie’s mom 1: I'm so pretty.

Julie’s mom 2: No, I'm pretty.

Julie’s mom 1: Oh, my God. You know who's the prettiest? Our moms.

Julie 2: Julie, what if that's us in 20 years?

Lesley: When I'm not busy being the best dang cheerleader at PHHS or Atonercising with my super-fun supplicant squats, I'm making the world a more open-minded place with my man Jesus Christ by my side.

Darlene: I have one thing to say to all the moms here. Your daughters are gonna need years of serious therapy after watching your heinous performances tonight… Women over 20 should never wear crop tops and short shorts… Where is your shame, ladies? Is it hidden underneath all of your bad Botox?Please, do the world a favour and change back into some disgusting mom jeans, a pair of ugly clogs, and just accept the uncomfortable truth. You're fucking old… You're welcome.

Sadie: Whatever, that's so not me.

Julie 2: You're right.

Julie 1: You're snatchier.

Tamara’s bedroom

Tamara: This one's ew. This one's too blue. This one looks like...

Adam: Like Doo-Doo. Sorry, I'm just trying to continue the rhyme.

Tamara: Aw, that's so cute. You think you can out-rhyme me… Adam, we need to talk.

Adam: I know, T. I really need to talk to you too. I've been thinking about how insane it is that we're planning a wedding your senior year of high school, while you're wearing a puka shell ring, no less.

Tamara: Really? I'm so glad you're saying this, because...

Adam: Let me finish. If we're seriously gonna do this, we have to do it right… It was my grandmother's. Tamara Judith Kaplan, I love you… Will you really marry me?

Mother-daughter senior banquet

Lissa: Okay, you guys, we totally saved the best for last. Get ready for Lacey Hamilton playing her super cool daughter, Jenna.

Jenna: Time to watch the mother of all humiliations.

Lacey: Hi, I'm Jenna Hamilton. I like to write and read and hang out with my best friend, Tamara. Are you in the house tonight? Holla at your girl!

Jenna: Oh, God, make it stop.

Lacey: You know, a few years ago, people might have thought I was depressing because of some things that happened.

Sadie: You mean when you tried to kill yourself?

Lacey: Right. But you know what? That was an accident, and I'm not the person that I was sophomore year, okay?

Jenna: My mom was bombing up there. Maybe she had a point. Why couldn't I just take a joke? If I didn't see the humor in my past, then I guess I deserved to be called most depressing. That's it, I wasn't gonna sit here and watch another person tell me who Jenna Hamilton was.

Jenna: Hey, Mom. You forgot the most important part… My super cool cast, duh. So listen, two years ago, I was Suicide Girl, and I would complain about it all the time in my blog. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. I'm so misunderstood. Insert cliché Taylor Swift song lyric here. But it wasn't all that bad. I got to date the hottest guy in school, and after I was Jenna, Matty McKibben's girlfriend, I was Jenna, backstabbing stoner… Gosh, what next?

Lacey: And then, I was the girlfriend of the hot, smart, college guy. My parents loved him. And then I was the most shocking identity of them all... Popular!

Jenna: But now I'm back to being me, a girl who's just happy to be in her hoodie, and who can be a bitch to her mom when she really doesn't deserve it… So yeah, that's who I am.

Lacey: Take it or leave it, bitches.

Jenna: My mom may not have deserved my wrath, but I knew someone who did.

Back stage

Sadie: Ally, what are you doing here? I told security to keep all drunk hags out.

Ally: I wasn't gonna miss seeing my favorite witch get burned at the stake.

Darlene: Did I do okay? I was so nervous.

Sadie: You were great. Where did you learn all that stuff?

Ally: Well...

Darlene: I, uh... I paid attention, sweetheart… What do you say about having your first sleepover at my place? I made up the guest bedroom for you.

Sadie: I'd like that, Mom.

Darlene: You called me Mom. Does this mean that I can get a hug?

Sadie: Let's not ruin a nice moment.

Ally: You're welcome.

High school: hallway / Tamara’s bedroom

Jenna: Hey, T. Did you end it?

Tamara: Yep, I ended the play-acting and ended the game-playing. This shit is for real!

Jenna: You accepted a real ring? Why would you do that?

Tamara: I panicked, okay? He just looked so cute and vulnerable bent down on one knee. I couldn't say no.

Jenna: This has gone too far.

Tamara: I know, I'm gonna tell him the truth tomorrow. I just wanted to have one night with this ring. I mean, hello, it's freaking gorge. Look at the carats.

High school: hallway

Matty: Hey, Jenna. Yo, dude, you slayed it out there. Yeah.

Kyle: You're a freaking murderer.

Jenna: It's because I'm one cool chick, right, Matty?

Matty: What? Are you mad at what I wrote in your yearbook?

Jenna: No. Of course not. It was so thoughtful and heartfelt. I could tell you really had to dig deep for it.

Matty: Oh, come on.

Jenna: No, Matty, you come on. After all that we've been through and I'm still just "one cool chick" to you?

Matty: No, you're...

Jenna: What? A nice hook-up? An expert college essay writer? An awesome camp counselor, what?

Matty: You're my best friend. But you're also a nice hook-up and a great writer. You're not the best camp counselor, though. You're kind of bad at making arts and crafts.

Jenna: Please, like you're so great at it.

Lacey: Gosh, it feels so good to get out of that side braid. The pulling, how did you do that every day for two years? Are you ready?

Jenna: See you later, best friend.

Jenna: You want to know the best part about knowing who I was? That Matty did too.