Épisode Surprise ! S03E11 - Awkward Saison 3

High school parking

Jenna: It had been 31 hours… Minus the 2 I could sleep… Of significant self-loathing. I had cheated on my boyfriend. And with time travel off the table to undo the dirty deed, I had to take control and ensure it would never happen again.

Jenna: Get in.

Collin’s car

Jenna: What happened last Friday was wrong.

Collin: Agreed.

Jenna: I love Matty.

Collin: I know.

Jenna: And it is not right to hurt the people you love.

Collin: Couldn't agree more.

Jenna: So it's done.

Collin: It's done.

Jenna: Just to clarify, the "it" means "we." We are done.

Collin: Clarified.

Jenna: Good.

Collin: Great. See you in class.

Jenna: Bye… Mm. No, no, no. We can't, we can't.

Collin: It was a parting kiss. Seal of closure.

Jenna: Exactly. Now it's… We're…

Collin: Over.

Jenna: Truce?

Collin: Truce.

High school

Jenna: I can't believe you just saw that.

Tamara: I can't believe you just did that. This is Bonky Kong. Your Collin dalliance was supposed to be a one-time special event, like if I saw five erections from one direction in my direction. You said you were just living in the moment and that the kiss meant nothing.

Jenna: It didn't mean anything.

Tamara: Then why did you do it again?

Jenna: I don't know.

Tamara: Jenna, once is an accident, twice is an affair.

Jenna: I was trying to end it.

Tamara: By shoving your face into his?

Jenna: Things got out of control.

Tamara: I know. I saw. So now, you have two choices. Either end it with Collin or tell Matty.

Jenna: Oh, I've tried the first one, and that's not working. And the second option is never gonna happen.

Tamara: Then it's all about option three.

Jenna: There's a third?

Tamara: Yeah. And it entails me telling Matty because I can't keep a secret. So if you don't choose option "A" or "B" soon, option "C" might not be an option but rather a foregone conclusion. Jenna, holding on to a secret this big runs the risk of secret leakage.

Jenna: What?

Tamara: You know, when little secrets spring up and out in my attempt to hold down the big one. Help me, Jenna. If you don't fix this, I might explode, and there is no telling how many lives I might ruin.

Valerie’s office

Valerie: Your secret is safe. I am amazing at secrets.

Lacey: I'm not, and I'm even worse with surprises.

Valerie: Aren't they the same thing?

Lacey: No. Maybe. Yes! Oh, damn it, how am I gonna pull this off? I have been trying to throw a surprise party for Jenna since she was three. And for whatever reason, she always manages to find out.

Lacey’s memories

Lacey: Mm, I ordered them for your surprise party. Shit. You can wear it for your surprise party. Shit. Shit!

Valerie’s office

Lacey: The only surprise I've ever pulled off for Jenna was redoing her room for her 16th birthday.

Valerie: And the real surprise there was that she left it redone as long as she did, oof.

Lacey: I really wanna pull off her party this year. Can you help?

Valerie: Can I help? My middle name isn't "Ta-da" for nothing. Actually, it wasn't my given name. I rocked it in college when I worked at a gay bar and I would show off my man boobs for extra cash.

Lacey: Interesting.

Valerie: It was. I mean, who knew gay men wanted to see boobs on a dude?

Lacey: But you're not a dude.

Valerie: Exactly, which is why it was such a great scam. Cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching-ching. Cha-ching.

Lacey: So Friday! Can you keep Jenna busy after school so everyone can get to the house and hide?

Valerie: You got it, L-dog. I will take our girl to my favourite dive bar, put a little hair on her chest, and then drop her off. Or we can paint mugs at Colour Me Mine and then head over.

Hallway

Jenna: I was lost in thought. I had to tell Matty. What would I say? Nothing. Which meant I had to avoid him until I got back from my guilt trip.

Matty: Hey, we need to figure some stuff out.

Jenna: My guilt trip had been extended.

Jenna: There's nothing to figure out, it's over.

Matty: But it's on Friday.

Jenna: What's on Friday?

Matty: Your birthday. What do you wanna do to celebrate?

Jenna: Right, yes. My birthday. Uh, nothing. I don't wanna do anything.

Matty: Are you sure? Okay, but think about it. I'm not gonna let you get out of it that easy.

Ming: And I'm not either. What are you thinking, cheating on Matty? You need to shut that shit down.

Jenna: Tamara has such a loud mouth.

Ming: Oh-ho-ho, I didn't hear it from Tamara. I got it from my daily mafia briefing.

Jenna: The mafia knows?

Ming: Is that a rhetorical question? Of course we do. We're magic. But don't flip out yet. Asians not only know how to do great hair, but they keep things quiet.

Jenna: Well, great, 'cause I'm on my way to end it right now.

Fred: Ming!

Ming: You're back!

Fred: Am I?

Ming: Becca's MIA. Or laying low. Either way, she's done. There's nothing to fear. How was Idaho?

Fred: Not bad. Not good, just safe, although I'm gonna miss taking ceramics. I really worked out a lot of my anxiety throwing a good pot or two. I even made you a clay hat. I've missed you, Ming. Just Ming.

Ming: I missed you too. Why don't you sign up for ceramics here?

Fred: I tried, but they're over capacity.

Ming: Hmm. Not anymore. You're in.

Fred: Huh.

Mr. Hart’s classroom

Jenna: This is crazy, and it needs to stop.

Sadie: What needs to stop?

Jenna: Uh, we were just discussing my birthday. Everyone's making way too big a deal about it.

Sadie: Interesting, because Matty told me that no one was making a big deal about it. You know Matty, right? Jenna's boyfriend.

Collin: Sure do.

Sadie: You need to watch it.

Jenna: Watch what?

Sadie: Whatever it is that's going on between the two of you. Even though Matty is blind to your treachery, I'm not. I know when something's up, and something is definitely up.

Mr. Hart: Really? Do tell.

Sadie: Um, we were just discussing working on... The assignment together. I was thinking that we could write a story about the genesis of a girl who goes from heinous wallflower to hideous skank.

Mr. Hart: So it's an autobiographical piece?

Sadie: Yes. No, I mean, not about me.

Mr. Hart: Miss Saxton, don't feign modesty in my class. Anti-heroes are complicated character studies. And heinous skanks are pleasures to read and ruin. So why don't you write that up and act it out? I suspect you know how to play a heinous character quite well.

Sadie: I-I can't… I can't do that.

Mr. Hart: Well... Then don't fuck around in my class. Capisce? If you wanna bully Miss Hamilton here, do it online. You grow some balls. No one gets anywhere in life taking shit. Now give me 500 words on the nuances of being a pussy. Now.

Hallway

Jenna: Post-my cowardly reflection expression that was surprisingly not hard to write, I realized I needed to shed my scaredy-cat skin. I was not a wuss or a puss. So it was time to shut down the Collin ballin' once and for all.

Matty: Hey, man.

Collin: What's up?

Jenna: Or once my boyfriend skedoodled.

Matty: Sorry I missed your party last weekend. Did I miss much?

Collin: No, nothin'. Nothin' at all.

Matty: So I need a favour.

Collin: Uh, okay.

Matty: That photographer chick that you had the party for, what's her name?

Collin: Elizabeth Karen.

Matty: Right. I'd love to buy one of her photographs for Jenna's birthday. Think you could help me get one in a reasonable price range?

Collin: I can look into it.

Matty: Sweet. And don't tell Jenna. I want it to be a surprise.

Collin: Not a problem.

Matty: And thanks for dropping her off on Friday. That was really cool of you, man.

 

Jenna: What did Matty want?

Collin: I can't tell you.

Jenna: Oh, God. He knows, doesn't he? He has gone blind say-dumb. And he's convinced you to be complicit in this scheme because it's bros over hos and I'm the ho that you're both now mad at, right? Damn it, I should've told him when I had the chance.

Collin: He wants to buy you one of Elizabeth's photographs.

Jenna: What? Why?

Collin: For your birthday.

Jenna: Oh, shit, that's even worse. Here I am lying and cheating. And he is conspiring to surprise me with the most thoughtful, generous gift. I am a terrible person.

Collin: You're not.

Jenna: Yes, I am. I really love him. We have to stop.

Collin: We have to.

Cafeteria

Jenna: Am I being paranoid, or does it look like they're talking about us?

Tamara: They're definitely talking about us.

Jenna: What did you tell them?

Tamara: Nothing. I have said nothing. I have been sweating and stuffing it because the only way to keep from spilling the beans is to eat them. In fact, I had to eat an entire jar of Nutella last night to keep from telling Jake. Thank God you and Colin are done.

Jenna: Well, don't thank God yet.

Tamara: Please tell me you put it to bed.

Jenna: I tried, but we accidentally made out.

Tamara: "Accidentally"?

Jenna: I just need a day or five to figure this out.

Tamara: Well, you better figure it out because I need to figure it in. I'm getting fat, Jenna. And if you don't handle this, I'm gonna be headed to Fat Camp.

Jenna: I'm gonna go hide in the bathroom. Don't say a word.

Tamara: And you, no more secrets.

 

Jake: We need you...

Matty: To keep a secret.

Tamara: You gotta be kidding me.

Matty: You gotta promise me you're not gonna say anything.

Jake: That means lock-and-key style, babe, not verbal vomit, which is your standard protocol.

Matty: You cannot, under any circumstances, tell Jenna.

Tamara: I don't need to know the secret.

Matty: But you do. Mrs. Hamilton is throwing Jenna a surprise party.

Tamara: Jojo Malene doesn't have any pubes! I am holding down too many secrets. An oldie had to go to make room for a newbie… Safety precaution.

Hallway

Fred: Where do you think the fire is?

Ming: Up here! There's no fire. You wanted to see me. And so, voila, here I am.

Fred: You set off the alarm?

Ming: No. But I made it happen.

Fred: What do you mean you made it happen?

Ming: I wanted to see you. So I sent a text. You don't need to know the details. Even I don't know them. Relax, no one got hurt. Cappuccino?

Fred: I don't think we can leave campus.

Ming: We don't have to.

Fred: It's started.

Ming: What?

Fred: Your abuse of power. If you don't nip it in the bud, you're gonna become evil. You're gonna become Becca.

Ming: Chill. I've got it under control. It's not like I'm flying in lobsters from Maine. Under my watch, we get them local.

Fred: It's too late. You've already turned. Look at your glamorous Hollywood hair.

Ming: Where are you going?

Fred: Away. Far, far away... To the parking lot. I can't do this again, Ming. Not with you.

You have a choice. It's either me... Or the mafia.

 

Valerie: That was just an equipment check. That was for fun. Now, point me to the flaming diablo.

 

Jenna: Yay. Fire's out.

Tamara: I have a yeast infection!

Jenna: Let me help you with that.

Court

Jenna: That was a close call. Did you guys see Collin holding my hand? Or did you buy my fake celebratory hand-slap hack?

Tamara: I didn't see shit. But, shit, Jenna, please don't tell me any more stuff on the down-low. I am at capacity with secrets. You can't just keep piling them on. This is, like, the third thing I didn't need to know today.

Jenna: Is there something you're not telling me?

Tamara: No.

Jenna: Yes.

Tamara: No.

Jenna: Yes.

Tamara: Your mom's throwing you a surprise party!

Jenna: No.

Tamara: Yes.

Jenna’s home

Jenna: Hi.

Lacey: How was school?

Jenna: Great.

Lacey: Anything interesting happen today?

Jenna: Nope. Status quo.

Lacey: Okay.

Jenna: Yeah. You know, it is okay because with my birthday right around the corner, I just wanna lay low. You know, avoid surprises.

Lacey: That sounds great, babe.

Jenna: Technically, I didn't know about the party. And I didn't wanna be the one to spoil her surprise. So I was gonna make her do it.

Lacey: What?

Jenna: Nothing. Why do you have glitter on your cheek?

Lacey: I... Am trying out a new makeup line. It's called "Glitter... Girl."

Jenna: Ah. Looks good. Would be a nice compliment to your sequin top.

Lacey: Oh, yeah. That reminds me. I have to pick it up from the cleaners today.

Jenna: Oh, are you wearing it out tonight?

Lacey: No, tomorrow, to your surprise party. Shit.

Jenna: Oh, no.

Lacey: I am so sorry, honey.

Jenna: Oh, it's okay. There's always next year. And I really appreciate the gesture, but I'm not up to celebrating anyway. I've got a lot going on, and I just wanna be alone.

Lacey: Are you sure that's what you want?

Jenna: Most definitely.

Lacey: Shit.

Jenna’s bedroom

Jenna: What was wrong with me? Why was I so fixated on Collin? He was cute, yes, and tall, yes, and so smart that he was smoldering with sex appeal. Yes, yes, and yes. So I knew why. I just needed to quit cold turkey.

Lacey: So... Your dad and I have decided to honour your birthday request. In fact, we are gonna take the opportunity to go out of town together and give you the house to yourself. If you don't wanna celebrate your birthday, we still do. So we're gonna celebrate it the old-fashioned way.

Jenna: Oh, gross, mom.

Lacey: Get your mind out of the gutter. We're going to Seaworld.

Jenna: With my biological anniversary on the horizon, I was relieved to know I'd have some downtime to refresh and recalibrate my sucky circumstances. I could no longer be seduced by the shiny new boy-toy. I was finally taking control.

High school parking

Collin: Hey, listen. It's done. Let's just not talk about it anymore.

Jenna: Collin had taken control. We were done. And suddenly, my guilt had turned to gloom. 17 sucked.

Jenna’s locker

Jenna: Collin had barely been a blip on my radar. And then suddenly, I was addicted. I finally could sympathize with the smokers of the world. Withdrawal was real. And painful.

Matty: Happy, happy birthday baby. Open it.

Jenna: Wow. So surprised.

Jenna: Apparently, I wasn't just a cheater. I was also a bona fide liar.

Matty: Hope you like it.

Jenna: Oh, my God. I love it. Thank you. I don't deserve this.

Matty: Why not?

Jenna: I had a laundry list of reasons. But rounding out the top of the list was the fact that I was simply a terrible person.

Jenna: It's too expensive.

Matty: Oh, but you're worth it. And please, just enjoy it. Making you happy makes me happy. I know you don't wanna do anything today.

Jenna: How do you know?

Matty: Your mom. She called me when she cancelled the party. She said she was rolling out of town tonight with your dad. So how about we order in and hang out? I can sleep over.

Jenna: Can we rain check? For whatever reason, I don't feel like celebrating tonight. Maybe we can do it tomorrow?

Matty: Yeah, it's your day. You can cry if you want to.

Court

Ming: I'm gonna cry.

Fred: But you can't go back to your normal life.

Ming: I know. But if I step down, Becca steps up, and you get shipped out. The mafia is a burden that I now have to bear. And I accept that you can't accept it. But remember, I do it for you.

Fred: Aw, fuck it… I love you. And if that means that I just have to enjoy the nice things and not ask where they come from, I will do that... For you.

Ming: For us… Now, put this on.

Jenna’s garden

Jenna: Hey, T. I don't know where you've been all day, but the deed is done. It's over. Happy birthday to me. I promise there won't be any more secrets to keep any time soon. I just need to figure out how to tell Matty and then you can go on a diet.

Jenna: I was finally getting my birthday wish. Time to decompress and de-stress alone.

Collin: Jenna.

Jenna: Or not.

Jenna: What are you doing here?

Collin: I'm not causing trouble. Promise. I just felt like I was a little harsh this morning. And then, when I found out today was your birthday, I had to make amends. I got you this.

Jenna: You didn't have to do that.

Collin: I wanted to. Can we be friends? I promise to control myself. And we can completely forget anything ever happened.

Jenna: Sure. Do you wanna come in? You know, as a friend?

Collin: I'd love that.

Jenna’s house

All: Surprise!

Lacey: Shit.