Épisode Fausse alerte S03E10

Mr. Hart’s classroom

Jenna: With delusions of desire for Collin put to bed, in the bed of my head, I was free and clear to let my conscience take a rest. Collin had a girlfriend. I had a boyfriend. And we could just go about our business as casual classmates.

Collin: I have something for you.

Jenna: Apparently his flirtation was not laid to rest, and I had to redefine appropriate boundaries. What Collin needed was a subtle hint… Or a strong suggestion.

Hallway

Collin: Jenna, hold up.

Jenna: What?

Collin: This is for you.

Jenna: No. I can't take it.

Collin: Why not?

Jenna: Do I need to spell it out for you?

Collin: Yes.

Jenna: Stop with the sexy notes, the eyelashes, the whispers, and the touches. I know what you're doing, and it's not appropriate. There's obviously some chemistry between us, but I am in a relationship, and so are you.

Collin: May I? This is an invitation to an open house for that photographer that you liked, Elisabeth Caren. Sexy notes. You're hilarious.

Jenna: And an idiot.

Collin: The party's on Friday. It would be awesome to have you there. Show my parents I actually made new friends.

Matty: Hey, man.

Collin: Hey… I hope you guys can make it on Friday. In the meantime, have a good Thanksgiving.

Jenna: You too.

Matty: What was that?

Jenna: Oh, Collin invited us to a party for that photographer we liked at his girlfriend's house.

Matty: But Friday is the Julies' Annual Black Friday party… Why not go to both? You can do that.

Jenna: Yes, yes, I can. Done. There, we are RSVP'd.

Matty: We? No, I don't wanna go.

Jenna: I can't go alone.

Matty: Why not?

Jenna: There were a million reasons.

Jenna: Come on, we can go early to Collin's and show up fashionably late to the next one. Please.

Matty: Okay.

Tamara: Everyone, pull out your phones and get ready to flip. It is all about to go down in three, two...

Jake: Ah, we're invited to the After Mall Ball.

Matty: What is that?

Tamara: TBE. Scroll to the hosts.

Jake: "Hosted by Julie, Julie, and Tamara."

Jenna: You're throwing a party with the Julies?

Tamara: Yes, I replaced Sadie, and technically it's Julie and Tessa because the other Julie…

All: Which Julie?

Tamara: The Julie that went to rehab. Tessa looks like rehab Julie, so everyone started calling her "Julie," and she just went with it because it's easier that way.

Matty: How'd that happen?

Tamara: I don't know, she's easygoing.

Matty: No, how did you get to host the party?

Tamara: Well, the Black Friday party, the BFP, was getting confused with the mafia's Black Hearts Party, BHP, and too many Asians were showing up. So I pitched calling the party the After Mall Ball, the AMB. The Julies loved the new name so much, they made me co-host. I've been anointed.

Ming: And I think I have been too. Something weird is happening.

Tamara: What do you mean?

Ming: It all started when I got to school this morning. I was looking for a place to park, and then suddenly for the first time, I was waved into a prime spot with my name on it. As I got out of my Sonic, I was handed a specialty latte. Vanilla mocha half caf with…

Tamara: A splash of splenda? That's your fave.

Ming: No shit. But that isn't even the freakiest part. Watch… I was just snapping… I have no idea what's going on!

Sadie: What is going on? Tamara is co-hosting? This has got to be a joke.

Lissa: Or a mistake. Maybe they left your name off by accident.

Sadie: They probably don't know this went out, and when they see it, they are going to have a conniption… Julie, Julie, I just got an invitation to the Black Friday Party, which I assume was bootlegged since there were some glaring errors.

Julie 1: Like what?

Sadie: Well, in addition to the stupid new title, I noticed that some freak of nature added her name. I would be more than happy to send out a retraction. You're welcome.

Julie 1: Not necessary.

Julie 2: The party needed to be reinvented, so we made some changes.

Sadie: And left me out?

Julie 1: Yes.

Sadie: Explain. Please.

Julie 1: It's simple. You can't help us anymore, 'cause a bitch without money is just a bitch.

Julie 2: And we don't need any help in that department.

Julie 1: Good job on the mass text.

Tamara: Thank you.

Julie 2: Don't thank us. Not yet.

Julie 1: You're still going to need to get us everything on this list by early Friday, so we have time to set up.

Tamara: Tomorrow's Thanksgiving.

Julie 2: And your point is?

Tamara: I have a lot of work tonight. Come on, let's get this done.

Matty: You really should add one more thing to that list.

Jake: What?

Matty: Some balls.

Jenna’s home

Jenna: Thanksgiving was over, and I was still stuffed with gratitude. My appetite for food and my boyfriend had returned, and suddenly my Friday didn't seem so black.

Lacey: It was amazing.

Valerie: That was the most exhilarating 11 hours I've ever spent in a mall without being on a toilet. They've made a lot of leaps in IBS medication.

Lacey: It's all about going early and with the proper preparation. The leotards get you in and out without pit stops to the dressing rooms. And the pads keep you from pit stops to the ER.

Valerie: L Dog, we gotta show our girl our tag team maneuver.

Lacey: Ah! Here we go.

Valerie: Yep. Now imagine this one-of-a-kind Afghan sweater is just dangling out in the open near a frenzy of rabid whores. For whatever reason, they don't notice it until you got to it, grabbed it, and then…

Lacey: Someone is on top of you, taking the ugly…

Valerie: Trendsetting.

Lacey: Acquired tasteful garb out of your hand. What do you do?

Valerie: You call in your teammate… Hut!

Lacey: Yeah.

Valerie: It was magic.

Lacey: And I got some loot for you too.

Jenna: Anything I could wear tonight?

Valerie: Totes, your mom scored you a ton of your standard snooze fest fashion.

Lacey: Oh, I bought that for me.

Valerie: What she's trying to say is, "it's too slutty."

Lacey: Ahh. No, what I'm trying to say is that it feels a little mature.

Jenna: Would you mind?

Home

Tamara: I wanna make a statement.

Jake: 200 bucks is a statement. Spending a thousand is stupid.

Tamara: It was worth every hour of the last year of baby-sitting to solidify my new status. Plus I don't have to save for a car anymore now that I have you to drive me around.

Jake: Oh, thanks.

Tamara: There are only two bags of ice!

Jake: That's all they had at the store.

Tamara: The list said a minimum of ten. You have to go to another store.

Jake: You said to set up the tables.

Tamara: You can do that after you change your shirt. You're looking sweaty.

Jake: Because I am. I've been doing all of your dirty work.

Tamara: This isn't dirty work. It's fun. Just go change. I'll have Jenna bring some ice on her way over. Go! Now! Have fun!

Street

Jenna: Hey.

Tamara: Could you grab some ice?

Jenna: Uh, we just got to Collin's, but we can pick up some ice after we leave.

Tamara: No, I need it now! Damn it!

Matty: Jake texted me the same request. Call Tamara back. Tell her we can have ice there in 30 minutes.

Jenna: 30 minutes?

Matty: We'll stop into Collin's, we'll take a loop, and then we'll hit the road.

Jenna: We can't just stay for 30 minutes. It's rude.

Matty: How long does it take to look at pictures?

Jenna: Photographs, and we can't just walk in and walk out.

Matty: You go. I'll pick you up later .

Jenna: Get back in?

Matty’s car

Jenna: I said you were coming, and if you don't, you'll embarrass me.

Matty: I'll embarrass you in front of who, people you don't know?

Jenna: Yes, don't be an asshole.

Matty: Why not? You want me to go into a house full of them.

Jenna: Admit it, you're afraid you'll sound stupid and embarrass yourself.

Matty: Why are you being so bitchy?

Jenna: Because you're embarrassing me, and I have never embarrassed you.

Matty: Oh, really? What about the start of sophomore year when everyone thought you tried to kill yourself?

Jenna: I didn't try to kill myself.

Matty: I know that now, but I didn't know that then. I thought maybe it was because of me.

Jenna: You? Why you?

Matty: Because you had your accident the same day we slept together. How do you think that fucked with my head? You didn't even try to explain it to me. Instead you obsessively stared at me from a distance for weeks. What was I supposed to think?

Jenna: You didn't want to be seen with me.

Matty: 'Cause I was mortified.

Jenna: You said you were never embarrassed of me.

Matty: I lied.

Jenna: And suddenly, I died... Inside.

Matty: I'm sorry, that came out wrong.

Jenna: You lied to me?

Matty: I didn't want to. I was just embarrassed of how insecure and stupid I was. I never wanted you to know, Jenna. You know me. You know how I feel.

Jenna: But did I? Suddenly my own feelings on the matter were missing in action.

Matty: I'm frustrated. I didn't even want to go to Collin's. I just came here for you. Sometimes it feels like all I'm doing is making amends for how we started.

Jenna: So now this is my fault?

Matty: No, no, it's my fault. I'm the one who made a point to focus on you, to make sure you felt secure and significant. In the process, sometimes you make me feel insignificant.

Jenna: How?

Matty: When have you ever asked how I'm doing with my parents? It was really hard for me, Jenna, and you never checked in.

Jenna: I just assumed…

Matty: Exactly, you assumed.

Jenna: I thought it was something you didn't want to talk about, or you'd bring it up. Matty, I'm sorry, you're right. I'm being selfish. And... You don't have to go with me to the party. I'm not gonna go either. Let's just both not go.

Matty: Come on, you want to see the photos. You'll feel bad if we don't go, so we'll go.

Jenna: I'll go, but, um... You go help Jake, I insist.

Matty: You sure? Pick you up a little later?

Jenna: Don't worry about it. I'll see if I can get a ride with Collin and Angelique.

Home

Tamara: This look okay?

Jake: Looks fine.

Tamara: What about this one?

Julie 1: Tamara!

Tamara: Oh, yes?

Julie 1: There are no bottle service tables. Our VIPs need somewhere to sit.

Julie 2: Party starts in 15, and everyone who's anyone comes early. Get it done.

Julie 1: Or you're done.

Tamara: Why didn't you remind me about the bottle service?

Jake: I don't know. Maybe because you never told me about it.

Tamara: Now I look like an idiot.

Jake: Not true.

Tamara: Really?

Jake: Yeah, because I'm the idiot, running around at your beck and call, allowing you to treat me like your bitch. Not anymore. If you want a bitch, look somewhere else. I'm outta here. Right after you get down.

Ming: I have mixers. Ooh. Bad timing?

Tamara: Perfect. Now you can give me a ride home before I commit social suicide. I forgot the VIP tables, and I don't have time to fix it.

Ming: I think I can help.

Tamara: How?

Ming: It all went down about five minutes ago, so I'm still processing.

Tamara: What went down?

Ming: The transition.

Ming: I was heading into the party when I was escorted to an idling car nearby. There in the back seat was a person as elusive and mythical as a unicorn… The guy behind every answer to every test. The guy who runs the numbers and launders mafia funds. T, I met The Accountant.

Tamara: No way.

Ming: Way. And that's not all.

Ming: He opened his briefcase and handed me a key.

Tamara: A key to what?

Ming: Everything.

Tamara: Does that mean you're…

Ming: Head of the mafia.

Tamara: I don't believe you.

Ming: It's true. I can prove it. See this phone?

Ming: The accountant told me, "There is only one number programmed into it. Use it whenever for whatever."

Ming: So what do you need?

Tamara: Small cocktail tables, expensive booze, and cotton candy.

Ming: Yes, I need small cocktail tables, expensive booze, cotton candy, and a bouncy house. Castle or jail?

Tamara: Castle.

Exposition

Jenna: Matty was right. A 20-minute lap would have sufficed. I had no one to talk to, and Collin was nowhere in sight. I had to trigger plan "B" and call Matty to get me.

Collin: Holy shit. You look stunning. I'm so glad you decided not to ditch me.

Jenna: Nope.

Collin: Where's Matty?

Jenna: Ditching. But he sends his regrets.

Collin: And I send him mine, because look at what he's missing.

Jenna: Wow. They're amazing.

Elisabeth: Sorry for the rogue photo.

Collin: Elisabeth's taking pictures of all the guests for an improvised installation.

Jenna: That's so cool. You are so cool. Feel free to take any and all pictures of me.

Party

Sadie: She's embarrassing herself. Dare I say told you so?

Julie 2: We never should have invited Tamara to co-host.

Julie 1: She's a spaz.

Sadie: The night's still young, ladies. Kick her out, and I can help you turn this around.

Julie 1: She did get a bouncy house.

Julie 2: Brills.

Sadie: It's not brills. It's amateur. Anyone can rent one.

Julie 1: If that's the case, then why didn't you think of it last year?

Sadie: I don't know. Maybe because you seem to be lacking something to bounce.

Julie 2: Feel free to leave.

Julie 1: And never come back.

Sadie: I'm sorry.

Sadie: I didn't mean that. Jesus, what has gotten into you?

Lissa: Jesus. Can you believe someone put that out? No one should mock the dead, no one! Oh, God, I need another drink.

Tamara: Where's Jenna?

Matty: Oh, she'll be here soon.

Exposition

Collin: Babe, please, can we just talk about this tomorrow? You know it's for the best. Let's just talk this out over breakfast, okay? Good, I'll see you then.

Jenna: Everything okay?

Collin: Sort of.

Jenna: Angelique's not coming?

Collin: No. Please tell me you're not gonna leave.

Jenna: I'm not going anywhere.

Party

Lissa: Do you have a condom?

Sadie: For what? You don't have sex.

Lissa: Maybe I do. You don't know me!

Sadie: All right.

Tamara: If you two want to make a scene, then you need to take it outside.

Sadie: We are outside.

Tamara: Then you need to take it inside.

Sadie: Great idea. Now help.

Bedroom

Sadie: What is going on with you?

Lissa: My life is over.

Tamara: No, your neck is almost straight. You'll be back on the squad soon.

Lissa: No, not my life life. My afterlife. I'm a sinner.

Sadie: No, you're a drunk.

Lissa: And a murderer. I killed Ricky Schwartz… It was an accident. Ricky wanted to get Sadie back and had no one to turn to, so he turned to me.And I was just trying to be a good friend. So when he asked me to go for a drive, I didn't think anything about it. And then he started to cry, and I hugged him, and then he kissed me. And one thing led to another, and we kissed privates.

Tamara: Lissa, he died of an allergic reaction to peanuts, not from sex.

Lissa: I know, but that's just it. Before we went for the drive, I ate Thai food.

Tamara: Shit!

Sadie: Shit!

Lissa: Sadie, he didn't love me. He loved you. I was just a rebound. He said I was too skinny. And now I'm gonna pay the price. I'm going to hell. God already sent me a warning by breaking my neck.

Sadie: Okay. You are not going to hell, and God didn't break your neck. I did. There is no way that Ricky died of secondhand peanut consumption. It's scientifically impossible. My uncle's a doctor. The amount of peanuts necessary to send someone into anaphylactic shock is way greater than the sum of what was simply mere residue left on your lips. His death, not your fault.

Lissa: It's not?

Sadie: No fucking way. Believe me? Good. Now go, get fucked up. You clearly need a drink.

Tamara: How did you know all that?

Sadie: I made it up. My uncle's a jeweller. She probably did kill Ricky, but I don't want her to beat herself up for the rest of her life. She'll end up in porn.

Party

Jake: I'm so sick of being the nice guy. Tamara treats me like her freaking purse, man. "Jake, hold this. Jake, hold that. Jake, where are my tampons?"

Matty: So break up with her.

Jake: I can't. I love her.

Tamara: And I love you. I'm sorry, I've been so caught up in my own BS. I sucked you dry and myself hard.

Jake: You didn't suck that hard.

Ming: Dude, that bounce house is intense.

Tamara: Intensely popular. Was that a smile or a smirk?

Ming: Smile.

Tamara: This is the best night of my life.

Ming: Where's Jenna?

Matty: Good question.

Exposition

Collin: Am I keeping you?

Jenna: No. Yes. But I'm enjoying being kept.

Collin: Come here. I wanna show you something.

Jenna: I can't believe she put this together tonight.

Collin: Did you find yourself? There.

Jenna: I look so different.

Collin: It's what Elisabeth does. She redefines you through her lens.

Jenna: Wish it were that easy.

Collin: What?

Jenna: To redefine myself.

Collin: Why would you want to do that?

Jenna: I don't know. So that I could be less of an embarrassment to myself and others. Like when I misread your intentions and the sexual tension that clearly doesn't exist.

Collin: I never said it didn't exist. It exists. And it's part of the reason why Angelique and I broke up.

Jenna: You broke up? When?

Collin: When I realized I wanted to be with someone more like you.

Jenna: So I should probably get going.

Collin: Right. You have that other party to get to. Still need a ride?

Jenna: I don't know. It feels like a bit of an imposition.

Collin: It's not. I'll get my keys.

Party

Matty: Is it really midnight?

Jake: Yeah, just about.

Collin’s car

Jenna: Thanks again for the ride. I'm sorry about your breakup.

Collin: Me too. When it comes to love... You think the hunt is better than the kill?

Jenna: I don't know. With Matty, we had sex before we knew each other. So... The kill came before the hunt.

Party

Tamara: Jake, come on!

Jake: All right, I'm coming! Jeez.

Collin’s car

Collin: Are you sure you want to go to this party?

Jenna: Honestly, no. But if I don't, I'll be selfish. And apparently that's something I need to work on.

Collin: That's ridiculous. You're 16. If there's ever a time to be selfish, it's now. You have no pressure, no real responsibilities. Why can't you put yourself first? 'Cause it's not the right thing to do? I think you should change it up, redefine yourself through your own lens. Choose you.

Jenna: Choose me? It was a new concept and scary yet exciting. So I did.

Street

Jenna: Hey.