At Ricky’s funerals
Jenna: Death. It was an inevitable part of life. And while it was a fate that awaited us all, the unexpected death of Ricky Schwartz was a shock to everyone's system. Not to mention, for a ritual called "Sitting Shiva," we had been doing a lot of standing. Unfortunately, some peeps couldn't help but lock their knees, 'cause everyone processed loss in their own way. For some, sorrow was externalized openly. While others, surprisingly... Kept it more in check.
Tamara: I'm good, thanks.
Jenna: There was no right or wrong way to react to a death. Grieving was personal.
Rabin: Ricky would've been truly warmed by the love you all bring to this room today. While he was an incredibly modest and humble young man and a gifted musician, what many of you didn't know was that his real passion and love was for painting. His favourite piece, a colourful self-portrait of what he said personified his inner self. To me, it's the perfect reflection of his sense of fun and humour.
Matty: Or his desire to be a pimp.
Rabin: Now, please, join us in celebrating Ricky's life with a viewing of his artwork and a smorgasbord.
Jake: Bagels, latke, cotton candy?
Tamara: I'm not hungry.
Jake: Tamara's been totally uncommunicative lately which, as you know, is... Not normal.
Jenna: Not normal.
Jake: What should I do?
Jenna: Nothing. She's processing, and probably just trying to work some things out. Like Ricky. Apparently he was working something out too.
Jake: More like rubbing it out. What's with the latent fixation on boobs?
Jenna: It's not latent, it's blatant.
Jenna: Ricky's obsession for breasts was apparently home grown.
Lissa: I didn't know it was possible to die of an allergic reaction to peanuts. Did you know he was allergic? Me neither. How could he protected if he didn't tell anyone?
Jenna: How's Sadie?
Kyle: Pregnant... With Ricky's love child.
Lissa: She's not pregnant.
Kyle: Did she abort that mission?
Lissa: No! She was never pregnant. She's depressed, and now things have only gotten worse. Which is probably why she couldn't handle it today. So have a heart. Ricky is dead!
Kyle: Gefilte fish. My people say it's good luck if you eat it. It can protect you from your dark side. If you want protection. Oh, you forgot to tear your shirt… Kriah. It's tradition.
Matty: Hey, do you wanna hear something creepy?
Jenna: Creepier than having my shirt assaulted?
Matty: It's tradition. So get this, Ricky's grandma just told me that Ricky was breast-fed till he was eight.
Jake: Are you shitting me? It's insane how much we didn't know about that kid.
Jenna: It wasn't insane. It was understandable. There were a lot of things we didn't know about the people around us, including the things Matty didn't know about me. 'Cause Matty still didn't know about my pregnancy scare, and hopefully he never would.
Rabin: Girls, don't be angry or upset. Ricky's death was an accident.
Jenna: But my almost social-death by pregnancy wasn't. And to ensure it never happened again, I needed to ingest, some good luck... And maturity. It was time for me to be more responsible and...
Rabin: Any last words for Ricky?
Jenna: Responsibility was a process.
At school.
Jenna: It had been four days since the news of Ricky's death by peanut had hit the halls of Palos Hills. And by the look of it, no one was ready to move on anytime soon.
Valerie: Step away from the lockers. Not you, the fellas. Are you heartless? Have a little respect.
Boy: But I can't get to my books.
Valerie: You ever think of how hard it is for Ricky to get to them? Your buddy is dead. And you need to think about the challenges he now faces as a ghost. Just imagine. His little vapour arms, the ones that can never hold a book again or ever jostle open a locker. Think about that… Oh, my girl. How are you hanging in there?
Jenna: I'm fine.
Valerie: Just fine? Is that any way to be after a lover dies?
Jenna: Ricky wasn't my lover.
Valerie: But I heard he got around. And well, since we know you do, I just figured…
Jenna: You figured wrong.
Valerie: What is this?
Kyle: It's for a vigil. Tonight. We're gonna pay tribute to Ricky. Or converse with the devil. Either way, it should be fun.
Valerie: Vigil? I love it. Where I come from, a vigil usually means someone's burning the body and grilling some ribs.
Kyle: Where you from?
Valerie: Missouri.
Kyle: Huh. Cool. Maybe that's where I'll go to college.
Jenna: For teenagers, death took on different meanings. For some, it was a reason to party. For others... It was a calling to commit to a higher power. And for the rest of us, it was a time to reflect. But reflection post-death took on all different shapes and sizes. And for Matty, it meant fitting his square peg into my round hole.
At the Sanctuary.
Jenna: Oh, hey, maybe we should go somewhere more private.
Matty: I love you so much. I just wanna be as close as two people can possibly be. Let's do it here, now. Yeah! You only live once, right?
Jenna: Oh!
Matty: Yep!
Jenna: As suspected, Matty was YOLOing. And while I wanted to celebrate that I wasn't 16 and pregnant, just being 16 meant I could still get pregnant. I wasn't ready to risk loading a baby on board.
Jenna: You know what'll make us feel more alive than having sex? Skipping... Backward!
Matty: What.
Jenna: But I couldn't skip out on the sex forever.
Matty: Hey!
In the toilets
Jenna: Mom, I know I'm whispering, but I'm trying to be discreet. Can you take me to see the, uh... Lady doctor? Soon. Like... Today.
In the court
Sadie: This is getting ridiculous… Thank you. But you can stuff this up your ass. I'm not in mourning, and what the hell would a fucking penguin do if I was?
Lissa: Are you going to the vigil for Ricky tonight?
Sadie: No!
Lissa: Because it's too hard for you?
Sadie: No, because I don't wanna participate in some stupid charade. Jesus. Why the hell are you crying?
Lissa: Because I can see how much pain you're in.
Sadie: The only thing pained on me are my cuticles, because I can't afford my weekly manicures anymore, and Consuela doesn't know when to stop cutting. And since when did you start caring so much about Ricky? You barely knew him.
Lissa: That's not true. I saw him almost every day when he came in to get fro you for you over the summer. Ricky loved you more than he loved himself.
Sadie: Like I said, you…
At lunch
Tamara: Barely knew him.
Jenna: That doesn't mean we don't feel bad.
Tamara: It's not the same, Jenna. People are using this as an excuse to out-mourn each other. Like Stephanie Lopez. She handed out cookies in homeroom for consolation.
Jenna: That sounds nice.
Tamara: They were peanut butter! How messed up is that? She clearly didn't know him, and she still doesn't. Everyone just needs to step off their sad bus while some of us are actually mourning.
Matty: Oh, hey, hey, hey. Let me get you some French fries. Fries! They're a cure-all, like a Jenna lip-dip. Hey-oh! Ahh.
Jenna: Matty's YOLOing. He's been all over me. Apparently death has given him a new lease on life.
Tamara: He's so disgustingly insensitive.
Jake: Hey, babe! Hey. So I just heard from Whitey who told Lucas that fifth and sixth period aren't mandatory today. You know, in case you're having a hard time. Which I'm just gonna say that I am. So... What are we doing? Where are we going?
Tamara: To hell, you exploitative piece of shit! You're gonna skip class and go to the beach?
Jake: Or the movies.
Tamara: What…
Jake: Hey, hey. I'm sorry. I thought you hated Ricky.
Tamara: You know nothing, and you totally don't know me. It's over!
Jake: What… What was that?
Jenna: Mourn-mones. Her words, not mine. Just let her settle down. And remember, everyone grieves... Differently.
Jake: Well, can you go see if she really just dumped me?
Jenna: Do I have to? She had crazy eyes.
Jake: Please… I think Tamara just trashed my ass.
Matty: Need a hug?
Jake: No.
Matty: Then go and tell her you love her.
Jake: Really? Aren't you the guy who said the "L" word is the carrot you dangle to get sex?
Matty: No, no. Not anymore, man. Undangle that carrot. Life is just too short.
Jake: Are you feeling okay?
Matty: Yes, I am. You know why? Because I'm alive. And I fucking love you.
In the hallway.
Jenna: What's wrong?
Tamara: I killed him!
Jenna: I know, I saw his face. He was crushed.
Tamara: No, not Jake. Ricky. I killed Ricky Schwartz.
Jenna: What do you mean, you "killed Ricky?"
Tamara: As in I stopped, dropped, and rolled him into the grave. I know everybody said it was an accident, but I know it wasn't. It was my fault.
Jenna: I don't understand. How did you…
Tamara: With this! And with these. I ooodoo-voodooed him. It's not funny! I bought over 200 ancient Wiccan spells.
Jenna: You bought spells? Where?
Tamara: On the internet. At first, I just wanted to disfigure Ricky, or make his thyroid stop working so he'd get really fat. But then, when I saw him at the black hearts party with Sadie, I sorta kinda cast a spell that would make him wanna die. Jenna! I might be a witch.
Jenna: Drop the "W" and replace it with a "B," which is just a fleeting title, because you are a total sweetheart. Trust me, what you're feeling is just grief guilt. And I get it. But Ricky's death was not your fault. You had nothing to do with it.
Tamara: Really?
Jenna: Really.
Tamara: So I'm not gonna rot in hell?
Jenna: Unlikely.
Tamara: But possible?
Jenna: No, no.
Tamara: Okay. Thank you. I needed that. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm still at DEFCON 1, and I need to walk it off.
Jenna: As Tamara walked off her feelings of guilt, mine were left unchecked. Was I being too hard on myself to bear the full brunt of responsibility for my close call with parenthood? Maybe I needed some consoling for myself.
Outside Valerie’s office.
Jenna: Val's office hours were at an all-time high. Every kid wanted to share their anxiety and/or use Ricky's death as an excuse to get out of PE. Either way, it was an annoying misuse of the system, because I was relegated to the back of the line.
Valerie: It's gonna be okay. No one ever died getting touched by their uncle. My girl! Get up here… Hey, hey, hey. Hold up. Don't be haters. Jenna had a reservation. Yeah, I know there's a list, Scott. But she used invisible ink. It's how I maintain confidentiality. Believe me, you'll appreciate it when you need to go black ops one day too.
In Valerie’s office.
Valerie: How you hanging in there? Is Ricky's death bringing up some intense stuff for you?
Jenna: Actually, in a weird way, it is.
Valerie: Are you being safe?
Jenna: Funny you should ask. That's sort of why I'm here.
Valerie: Can you hold up your arms?
Jenna: Oh, okay. Why?
Valerie: I just want 'em to stay where I can see them, so we don't have any more... Accidents.
Jenna: Are you suggesting that Ricky's death wasn't an accident?
Valerie: I'm not suggesting anything. I-I just don't want any more blood spilled on my watch. Or carpet. Especially since it just got steam cleaned, which took months to get approved. District budgets are retarded. Anywho, so break it down. Or break down. You can cry in here.
Jenna: I don't really wanna cry. I just wanna talk about how I've been blaming myself for a little sexual indiscretion.
Valerie: With Ricky?
Jenna: No! I wasn't involved with Ricky, except for this one super drunk and drugged moment we had at a party.
Valerie: Were you guys free basing?
Jenna: No! That story isn't really relevant to why I'm here. I wanna talk about Matty and me.
Valerie: Okay, but where does Ricky fit into this equation?
Jenna: He doesn't.
Valerie: Then why are you in my office? There are people waiting outside to talk about a dead person, and you wanna talk about yourself? Shame on you, Jenna. Shame... On... You.
Outside Valerie’s office.
Valerie: Kids, I'm making an announcement. I am downgrading myself from VP... To GC. What this tragedy has proved is that you all need me to be more selfless for all of you. Whoever buys me a candy bar can go next. See, Jenna, not everything has to be about you.
Jenna: Val made a good point. Not everything was about me.
Valerie: Yeah, you, let's go.
Jenna: It took two to tango, and it was time to rationally explain that to Matty.
In the parking
Jenna: You need to stop being so horny. I am not just some lady of the afternoon, and I am more than just your personal jolly juice receptacle, Matty.
Matty: I know.
Jenna: And I don't wanna start thinking about being an adult right now, or dealing with my own issues of life and death. Following?
Matty: Sort of.
Jenna: Good, because I need to know that you are in this for me and not just my... Funhouse… I have to go. But before the vigil tonight, you need to ruminate on the error of your ways.
Jake: What the hell is going on with these girls?
Doctor’s waiting room.
Lacey: Honey, it's okay. Nothing to be nervous about. You get on that table, you put your legs in the stirrups, and once they crank you open, the swabbing happens lickety-split.
Jenna: What are they gonna swab?
Lacey: Your cervix. It's standard, uncomfortable. But you only have to do it once a year.
Jenna: Every year?
Lacey: Mm-hmm.
Jenna: They can't just give me the pill?
Lacey: Mm-mm.
Jenna: Maybe we should go. I'll just tell Matty about the scare, and we can be extra careful.
Lacey: No, no. No. You can't tell him. He's 16 and a boy. He can't deal with that info.
Jenna: But why should I be the one to bear all the responsibility?
Lacey: Because you're a girl.
Jenna: So?
Lacey: It's our burden as girls to be the vigilant ones, because it's our bodies that bear the fruits of labour.
Jenna: I know, but…
Lacey: But nothing. If you wanna have sex, then you, as the girl, have to take all the risk and precautions. The safety checks are yours and yours alone. And it doesn't mean that you have to stop being young or loving Matty. It just means you have to take control of your destiny and your body, because... Boys don't get pregnant. Girls do. Always protect yourself.
Jenna: It was exactly what I needed to hear. I didn't need to blame Matty or myself. I just needed to take action. Sometimes my mother was astounding and could surprise me with wisdom… That she'd read off a wall.
At the vigil.
Kyle: Thanks.
Matty: I'm not gonna say anything.
Jenna: Why?
Matty: Because I'm worried that no matter what I say, it's the wrong thing.
Jenna: I'm sorry. I've just been going through all these weird emotions. And freaking out about…
Matty: Us?
Jenna: Maybe. Yeah.
Matty: Well... You don't have to. Because I want you to know that this thing is not just sex. And to prove it, I want to show you something. Close your eyes.
Jenna: Doesn't that defeat the point?
Matty: Just keep 'em closed.
Jenna: Oh! Hey! Hey! What are you doing? Fuck. I thought you said this wasn't about sex.
Matty: No, no, no, no! It's not. Hold on. Look! Heh?
Jenna: You got a tattoo?
Matty: Yeah. And I had them face it towards me so I can look at it.
Jenna: That is so weird.
Matty: Awesome… Okay. Yeah, maybe it's a little impulsive and incredibly irresponsible.
Jenna: Matty was proving his affection in the most permanent way possible.
Jenna: I love it. And you.
Matty: So we'll put the brakes on for a little bit.
Jenna: It doesn't have to be too long. Just seven to ten days.
Matty: What?
Jenna: Oh, you know, like the commercials say, "one a day, keeps the baby away."
Matty: Oh. Yes.
Kyle: So I really didn't know Ricky but I felt him. These are his ashes. He's charred, top to bottom I'm gonna pass him around. Feel free to snort a little of him. It was epic. The mic is now free if anyone would like to talk. Anyone?
Sadie: I would. I have a confession to make. I...
Tamara: This is gonna be good.
Sadie: ... Hated Ricky Schwartz. He was a cheater and a liar. And I wanted him to die. I prayed for him to die. And I thought about it every day. I even once paid someone money to cast a spell on him so that he would die.
Tamara: Me too.
Sadie: And I feel guilty... That I don't feel guilty. And that's all I have to say.
Tamara: I hated Ricky Schwartz too! Ricky is a scum-sucking psycho, and he made my life miserable for three years, toying with my heart. I'm glad he's dead, because he can suck my ass.
Clark: And mine too! Ricky and I have been hooking up since the sixth grade. He told me he loved me, and then he betrayed that love by hooking up with a bunch of hussies. No offense.
Tamara: None taken.
Clark: I hated him! I hated him, I hated him.
Tamara: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Thank you. Come on, this was not the point of tonight's vigil. Clearly, we all have reasons to be here. For starters… And I think I speak for a lot of girls… We finally have solid closure. Clearly Ricky knew how to spread the love. A little too much, but it was love none the less. Ricky Schwartz was the first boy I fell in love with. Or at least the first boy I thought I was in love with. Whatever. Doesn't matter, because the point is, he showed me I could really love someone. And I think I might have that love again. Only better.
Girl: He was my first love too!
Tamara: Enough. It's not a competition.
Jake: On that note, let's celebrate the life of Ricky Schwartz.
Tamara: Rest in peace, Ricky. You douche bag.
All: To the douche bag!
Jake: All right, let's party!
Jenna: Suddenly, the vigil had become an all-out bacchanal. It was a free-for-all of seizing the moment. Everyone was embracing their youth, and celebrating being alive. And in that moment, I didn't feel like I had to play it safe or be responsible. Because I wasn't driving.
Jake: Whoa, Hamilton, way to go. But you might want to slow down.
Jenna: Why?
Jake: Right. Why?
Jenna: I'm not pregnant. Totally thought I was, but I'm not. And now I'm gonna tear it up.
Matty: Yo. My mom has been up my ass. I couldn't get off the phone. So what'd I miss?
Jake: Not much. Just some crazy chicks. And your girlfriend telling me that she's not pregnant. She just thought she was.
Matty: Excuse me… Uh, I'm gonna go home. Can you get a ride with someone?
Jenna: What? Why?
Matty: Just wanna head home.
Jenna: Come on, stay, it's fun.
Matty: Why didn't you tell me you thought you were pregnant?
Jenna: I'm... Not.
Matty: But you thought you were.
Jenna: Only for a few days. Do you want to go to your truck?
Matty: Uh, yeah, I do. Alone.
Jenna: Please, talk to me.
Matty: I can respect that you didn't want to talk about it before. So can you please respect that I don't want to talk about it now? Good night, Jenna.
