In the theater.
Principal Cox: It's obviously, uh, a very important day. For the school.
Jenna: In high school, attention was a drug. Everyone was jonesing for it.
Principal Cox: I’m just gonna shut up!
Jenna: Including Principal Cox.
Principal Cox: So you can all talk. Okay, hum, now, to tell you more, about drunk driving awareness day, Miss Marks.
Valerie: Check, one two. Hot mic. This year, our annual play to raise drunk driving awareness is gonna be driven into the millennia. Everybody, welcome to Crash'd! Same characters, same story, new flava. It stands for counselors, me, raising awareness for students, you, who, "W" is silent, drink. I knew that'd get your attention.
Jenna: Attention was weird. The people who had it seemed not to want it, and the people who didn't have it seemed to want nothing more.
Tamara: Ricky Schwartz is acting all stranger than fiction. Ever since his parents took him off his meds, he stopped checking me out.
Jenna: Refocusing attention was my current strategy. I was playing hard to get with a guy that was hard to get. It seemed to be working, and I wasn't going to give in to Matty's private sexcapades until I got some public attention.
Valerie: And now, Palos Hillers, it's time to announce the leads of this year's mock D.U.I. car crash. And the role of Dead Johnny goes to... Jake Rosati. And the role of Dead Stacey goes to...
Tamara: This part's all mine.
Valerie: Jenna Hamilton.
Jenna: It was not the kind of attention I was looking for.
In the hallway.
Ming: What up, dead Stacey?
Jenna: There's no way I'm playing Dead Stacey. I've already had one lethal misunderstanding this year. I don't need another.
Tamara: This just confirms that there is a theater conspiracy against me.
Jenna: I'm gonna go tell Valerie that I quit, and then you can play dead Stacey.
Tamara: Yes!
Ming: Just remember, it's all about how you die. In the classic license to kill, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen dies on the hood, but in Love on the rocks, Tori Spelling drives into a fid of corn and disappears... Forever.
Sadie: Oh, look, they picked the dead girl to play dead. Congrats, Jenna. You've actually become a cliché of yourself.
Lissa: Cliche means stupid, right?
Tamara: Looks like Sadie's jeal-y.
Jenna: Well, there's nothing to be jealous about, because I'm not doing it.
Jenna: Playing dead Stacey was bigger than being homecoming queen, but I was trying to bury my suicide stigma, not advertise it.
In the hallway.
Jake: Oh, Jenna, hey! You excited?
Jenna: No, I'm not doing it. I was actually about to go quit right now.
Jake: Whoa, hold up! Hold up. Before you, uh, kill your only chance of being my dead girlfriend, um, I highly recommend you reconsider. I mean, uh, just think of all the ways I could end your life.
Jenna: I think you're supposed to kill me by cocktail, not asphyxiation.
Jake: Everything okay?
Jenna; Other than public humiliation and whiplash from you, I'm great.
Jake: You sure? 'Cause it seems like, uh, ever since our kiss, you just seem...
Jenna: We're good.
Jake: It just seemed like last week, when we talked on the phone, you know, everything was cool, and then today you're acting kinda weird, and...
Jenna: Listen, Jake.
Jake: Mm-hmm?
Jenna: Here are the bullet points. I'm your friend. We had an accidental kiss, that even you said was a mistake, because you have a girlfriend.-
Jake: Oh.
Jenna: And I'm not gonna say anything, okay? I promise. I have to go quit now.
Jenna: There really was something to this playing-hard-to-get thing. Whoever said, "If you build it, they will come," was wrong. Tear it down. They come running.
Valerie’s office.
Jenna: Don't have to say anything, I know why you're here. Congrats. I save this for special occasions, and this, my Jenna-ration, is a special occasion.
Jenna: It sure is.
Valerie: You know what we are, Jenna? We are pioneers. Two female pioneers on the Oregon trail, forging the river, heading west, and even though Mary-Beth has dysentery, we will not be stopped. We will make a difference. Get that. To our success tomorrow.
Jenna: I can't.
Valerie: It's sparkling apple juice.
Jenna: No, I can't be Dead Stacey. But good news. My friend, Tamara, wants to do it. She would love... I mean die, absolutely die for the roll.
Valerie: Uh, yeah, I've heard all about Tamara from Mr. Wilkerson. That apparently... She's a performer. No. No, I don't think you understand. She played Tammy in Grease last year. There is no Tammy. hey just made up a character, so they could kill her off in the first five minutes. I'm gonna level with you. I'm on what they call thin ice. Apparently, principal Cox doesn't like the advice I give to students. Getting pregnant does suck, but breast-feeding makes you skinny. Burning and not itching, you're fine. Take a sleeping pill and nap under my desk.
Jenna: Well, it sounds like you were just trying to help.
Valerie: See. That's why you're my girl.
Jenna: I am? When did that happen?
Valerie: That is why I need your help to make Crash'd... A success. t's cool, huh? See, I just need to prove to Principal Cox that can be responsible, and since you're my girl, I know that you'll take this event seriously. I mean, you've got my back, right?
Jenna: I would love nothing more than to be Dead Stacey, but, um, considering my recent accident, there's no way my parents will let me do the whole "Dead" thing. They're still really sensitive about it. If it were up to me, I'd totally do it, though.
Valerie: Parents don't have to know.
Valerie: Hello?
Valerie’s mother: Snickerdoodle.
Valerie: God, sorry, it's my mom.
Valerie’s mother: How's everything going?
In the hallway.
Tamara: How'd it go? Did I get it? I've been practicing all the ways I can die.
Jenna: Well, the good news, I don't have to be Dead Stacey, the bad news, they won't let you have the part.
Tamara: This reeks of Mr. Wilkerson. This has nothing to do with my talent and everything to do with his broken dreams and his bald head. But if I can't be Dead Stacey, you have to do it, otherwise they're gonna give it to some nasty beast like Sadie.
Jenna: Let Sadie at it. I'd love to see her covered in blood.
Jenna’s house.
Kevin: So nothing interesting happened at school today? No altercations?
Jenna: Nope.
Lacey: And you wore underwear?
Jenna: Yes.
Lacey: So you didn't flash your lady bits to anyone, by accident?
Jenna: No.
Lacey: Or on purpose?
Jenna: No one saw my vagina. Nothing happened. What's up with the third degree?
Valerie: Hi! It's me, Valerie.
Jenna: Kill. Me. Now.
Lacey: Go around.
Valerie: Oh, okay.
Jenna’s house.
Valerie: So this is where my girl lives. I brought gifts. For you. It lives forever. And you, diet wine. I know how you P. V. moms like to stay skinny.
Lacey: Oh! Well, I've never heard of diet wine.
Valerie: Oh, well, it's not really diet. The grapes are organic, runs right through ya. It's like drinkin' the water in Mexico.
Lacey: Throw it out.
Kevin: So can I get you anything, Ms....
Valerie: Oh, Val. Yeah, I'd love a zima. Or nothing. Nothing's good.
Lacey: Would you like to sit?
Valerie: Yes.
Jenna: What are you doin' here?
Valerie: I, uh, figured it was about time I visited my homegirl at home, huh? Actually, that's a lie. I... I'm here about Crash'd. I completely understand why you wouldn't want your daughter to participate, but Jenna really wants to do it. She's just afraid you won't approve.
Kevin: Approve of what?
Valerie: Jenna has been chosen to play Dead St...
Lacey: Stacey? Is this about Dead Stacey?
Valerie: Well...
Lacey: Oh, my God! Come with me. Come... Come here, come here. I was Dead Stacey, 1995. Brought down the house! Look.
Valerie: Oh! Oh, my gosh. You look amazing. So you're okay with this?
Lacey: O-okay with it? I am thrilled!
Jenna: And I was screwed.
Jenna: Dad, you have to help. I lied and told Valerie that you guys wouldn't let me be Dead Stacey, and now mom has effed that up majorly.
Kevin: Well, if you'd given me a heads-up, I would've covered for you.
Lacey: I... Well, I had, um, a little enhancement. You can feel 'em, they feel totally real.
Valerie: Really?
Lacey: Yes.
Valerie: See? You'd never know they weren't real.
Lacey: I told you.
Jenna: Dad, you have to do something.
Kevin: Well, I don't see what the big deal is. I mean, Dead Stacey was cool when I was in high school.
Jenna: I think you have conveniently forgotten that everyone at school already thinks I tried to kill myself.
Kevin: But you didn't, so this is your opportunity to change the conversation.
Jenna’s bedroom.
Jenna: I was so over my dad and his Haiku advice. Change the conversation? I had no idea what that meant. All I knew was that I was stuck between a rock and a dead place. I had been caught in a lie, and even though I was convinced Valerie had a touch of asperger's, I didn't want her to lose her job. Well, if I was gonna die tomorrow, I might as well live tonight.
Matty’s house. Jenna knocks on the door. He gets out and they kiss.
Jenna: Hey...
Matty: I thought you weren't talking to me.
Jenna: I'm being burned at the stake tomorrow. I'm not here to talk.
Jim: What do we have going on here? Oh, nice ass.
Matty: Jim, get inside, man, just...
Jim: Oh, wait, wait. Is this your girlfriend? Oh.
Matty: Oh, that's enough, dude. Enough.
Jenna: Is that your brother?
Jim: Yes, I am. And you are?
Matty: Man, please. I'm sorry. You should go home.
Jenna: It was the first time I listened to my instincts, and not only did Matty refuse to introduce me to his brother, but I got a door slammed in my face.
At school.
Valerie: Good morning, Palos Hillers, and welcome to drunk driving awareness day. Every 15 minutes, someone dies of an alcohol-related incident. Today, to represent those deaths, a grim reaper will tap someone, and at that time, those students will become the living dead and remain silent for the rest of the day. Remember, if you've been a-boozin', don't go a-cruisin'! Welcome to Crash'd!
Jenna: It was the worst night of my life, and now I have to go die in front of the entire school.
Valerie: I am the Grim Reaper.
Jenna: I'm sorry, I shouldn't be complaining about this to you.
Tamara: It's okay.
Valerie: You're dead.
Tamara: While I was clipping my cat's toenails last night, I had a catharsis. I'm glad you're Dead Stacey.
Jenna: You are?
Tamara: Yeah. It's like this... Toenails are dead cells, and you almost died so you deserve this part. It's like poetic justice. I just wish I was doing it with you.
Jenna: Who says you can't?
Tamara: Um, Mr. Wilkerson and the entire theater department.
Jenna: Maybe you can.
Valerie: Dead to me!
Jenna: You're gonna need a dress and a date. Think Ricky Schwartz is available?
Tamara: Oh, my God! What's happening?
Jenna: We're changing the conversation.
Valarie: Dead. Dead. Deader. Deadest. Hey! Hey! Hey, get back here! Kevin!
Kevin: No!
Sadie: This day is so stupid. But it's awesome that Andrew Heder can't talk, 'cause he's, like, kinda stupid, but he's also kind of a hot ging.
Valerie: You're dead.
Sadie: If I don't get to play Dead Stacey, I am not gonna be a dead extra.
Valerie: Yes, you are. I am the Grim Reaper.
Sadie: You can't silence me, and you can't paint my face with that fuck either, it'll make me break out. Do you know how much micro-derm costs?
Valerie: I'll give you a $20 gift card to Sephora.
Sadie: 50.
Valerie: Fine! Now you're dead. You, too, blondie!
Valerie’s office.
Jenna: So see, it all stays the same, except for this part, right here.
Jake: Yeah, cool. I got it. It's really good.
Jenna: Thanks.
Jake: I'm just gonna throw this out there.
Jenna: Totally, I'm open to notes.
Jake: No, um... Talking about us. I just feel like you're still weirded out about our kiss.
Jenna: Seriously?
Jake: Yeah.
Valerie: Hi, the stars of the show! All right, you two, let's just pop the cherry on this. Okay. Go ahead and scoot closer. Hold hands. Go ahead. Go ahead and waffle. It's more intimate that way. All right, well, now that you two look like a real couple... Ah. Here. Don't squirt until you're in the car. Remember, the more blood, the better. Questions? Concerns?
Jenna: Yes. I can't be Dead Stacey... Unless we do it my way. We're gonna be doing the same event, but better.
Valerie: How could you put me in this position?
Jake: Jenna's ideas are good.
Valerie: They are?
Jake: Yeah.
Jenna: Promise. I would never let you down, V.
Valerie: "V"? No one's ever called me that before.
Jenna: Except me. I'm your girl. I'm gonna be the best Dead Stacey ever.
Valerie: I know you are. Up top! Cut the pickle.
Jenna: What?
Valerie: Go ahead. Tickle, tickle.
Jenna: I'm okay.
In the hallway.
Matty: Hey. I am so sorry about last night. My brother was bein' a real dick. I just feel really bad about how it all went down.
Jenna: Why was he so weird? And why are you so weird? Why are we hiding?
Matty: Um... I don't know. I just wanted to apologize.
Jenna: So you can sleep with me in private, but you can't talk to me in public? Figure out what you want, Matty, because I'm tired of being your secret.
Jenna: As I walked to my very public death, I couldn't help but wonder, did I just kill my private relationship with Matty Mckibben?
On stage; behind the curtains.
Valerie: J, you really put me over a barrel here. I am not comfortable with your additions. I mean, look at them.
Tamara: Listen, Nick. I think you've had enough!
Ricky: Bendover. I'll show you what enough is.
Jenna: Okay, they're just goofing off. It'll be fine. Trust me.
Valerie: All right, okay, break legs, everyone! I mean, tear your heads off!
Jenna: Oh, dead man walking. Any last words?
Jake: Now you want to talk?
Jenna: What's the problem?
Jake: I'm fine. Everything's fine.
Theater.
Lacey: Oh, God. I'm nervous.
Kevin: Ah, she'll be great. She takes after her mother.
He spectacle starts.
Valerie: In a world where teenagers drink... One night, one boy... Took one girl... To prom.
Jenna and Jake dance.
Valerie: Johnny and Stacey decided not to drink. They're Christian. Unlike their friends, Nick and Natalie, who decided to drink.
Tamara and Ricky dance and drink.
Valerie: They're loose. After prom, everything was golden, until Nick decided to drive drunk!
There is a car accident.
Tamara: No, Nicky!
Valerie: The car was totaled. Paramedics were on the way. Did you know that the legal limit...
Jake: You know how I said I was fine before? Okay, I am not fine, okay? The reason that I keep bringing up our kiss is because I'm confused. You know, I mean, I... I have a girlfriend.
Jenna: Jake, we're friends. I told you that, okay? I need more blood.
Jake: But if I'm really being honest with myself, the reason that I keep bringing up our kiss is because...
Jenna: Oh! Blood on the boobs.
Jake: I like like you.
Jenna: I definitely had feelings too. Were they feelings for Jake? Or was it the feeling you get right before you die?
Valerie: Back at the scene of the crime.
Tamara: I'm alive? I'm alive!
Valerie: Drunk Natalie was a mute.
Tamara: Oh, no! Nicky? What have we done?
Valerie: Drunk, mute Natalie escaped with minor injuries. Drunk Nick was arrested for a D.U.I. and hauled off to the slammer. Johnny was airlifted for emergency surgery, where he waited for a liver that would never come. Unfortunately, Stacey's injuries were so severe, it looked like she wouldn't make it. Stacey didn't drink. She didn't drive. She did everything right. An innocent victim to someone else's mistake.
Tamara: Stacey! No! Don't die!
Valerie: Even though drunk Natalie tried, she couldn't do anything to save Stacey.
Tamara: Stay with me, Stace!
Valerie: Stacey was seeing the light.
Jenna: Do it now.
Tamara kisses Jenna.
Valerie: Even homoerotic tension couldn't bring Stacey back to life. She was dead in ten, nine... Eight, seven, six... Get some! Stacey was in the light!
Someone: Dead Stacey lives!
Valerie: There was a miracle.
Everybody applauses.
Principal Cox: Ms. Marks?
Valerie: I know. You don't have to say it.
Principal Cox: I do. This was the best drunk driving awareness day we've ever had. Oh, boy, um...
Valerie: Actually, it's called Crash'd.
Principal Cox: Mm-hmm.
Valerie: Counselors...
Principal Cox: Got it.
Valerie: Raising awareness...
Principal Cox: Mm-hmm.
Valerie: For students...
Principal Cox: Thank you.
Valerie: Who, "W" is silent...
Principal Cox: I don't care.
Valerie: Drink.
After the show.
Kevin: You were so good.
Lacey: Almost as good as I was.
Jenna: Mom, don't cry.
Lacey: I'm not. But I will if you get blood on my sweater. It's cashmere.
Lacey: Lace, let's let her have the moment.
Lacey: You were so good.
Jenna: I was sure playing Dead Stacey would result in social suicide. But instead, my reputation was resurrected.
Matty : You were amazing.
Jenna: And for the first time, I got the attention I was looking for.
